A Labyrinthine Journey: Soon Coming in 3-D

Back to the Sayings of the Desert Fathers [Benedicta Ward, trans, Cistercian Publications, 1975]. Today’s reading comes from Abba Ammonas. Ammonas was a disciple of Abba Anthony and later became a Bishop.

What caught me about this reading was those hard days: the moments and seasons in life when it seems like everything comes only through struggle.

Some brethren found life difficult where they were living. Wanting to leave, they came to find Abba Ammonas. He was out on the river. Seeing them walking along the bank of the river, he asked the sailors to put him ashore. Then he called the brethren, saying to them, ‘I am Ammonas, to whose dwelling you are wanting to go.’ Having comforted their hearts, he sent them back whence the had come, for this difficulty did not arise from sickness of soul, but simply from natural annoyance. [Ammonas #5, p. 26]

I found this a strangely comforting saying. One of the things that has been real frustrating with my moments of spiritual growth and my wrestling with depression is the sense that the struggle is a sign that something has to be wrong with me. If the life of the Spirit is supposed to be full of peace and joy then the absence should be a symptom that I am not walking in the Spirit. I think that might be the struggle with those brethren in the story. Life is difficult, something has to be wrong with us, since it is all of us it must be the place, let us leave. I’ve exercised that logic before.

Yet, what Ammonas reminds them and me is that life sometimes is simply hard. We experience seasons of the spirit just like the world around us. Sometimes there is easy spring and dying fall. Sometimes our days are as warming as the height of summer and as isolating as the deepest snowstorm. I wonder if much of the time I chose frustration and failure when I was just living one of those naturally annoying days. They come, they will go. We wait them out and trust the presence of God’s Spirit until the Son shines again.

Obey

That is a hard word for me. I think it is a hard word for many of us. We value independence highly. I know I value it. Give me a class to teach and I will rearrange the lessons and do them my own way. I am also realizing that a major part of my depression symptoms are related to resistance of losing control. So for me to seriously contemplate obedience is a challenge. Yet that is what I have found myself doing a lot lately.

And it this thinking and especially the word from Dorotheos that has been foundational to my participation in the process that will lead me to be reappointed to a new United Methodist Church this summer after only 3 years in my current parish.

Here is the word from Dorotheos of Gaza that actually led me to read more of his writings:

For it is the craft of the evil one to prevent submission with faith in every circumstance and, through faith, a state of certain security. It bars you from obedience with tranquility, and from travelling without danger, or wandering from the road laid down by the Fathers. … no longer will you want certain things to happen, but what is happening will be the thing you want and you will be at peace with all. [Dorotheos of Gaza, Discourses & Sayings, Eric Wheeler, trans, Cistercian Publications, 1977, p. 239]

Earlier in the book, he takes a related view of the life of faith.

But as we have given up the great things let us give up the little things; as we have renounced the world, so let us give up passionate attachment to it. For through certain small and worthless things our inordinate desires bind us again to the world without our realizing it. [p. 88]

A man denying himself in this way comes little by little to form a habit of it, so that from denying himself in little things, he begins to deny himself in great without the least trouble. Finally, he comes not to have any of these extraneous desires, but whatever happens to him he is satisfied with it, as it if were the very thing he wanted. And so, not desiring to satisfy his own desires, he finds himself always doing what he want to. For not having his own special fancies, he fancies every single thing that happens to him. This he is found, as we said, to be without special attachments, and from this state of tranquility he comes to the state of holy indifference. [p. 89]

So what does this have to do with the United Methodist appointment process and my moving this summer as part of that?

After much prayer last fall, I expressed a desire to stay in my current situation. It wasn’t easy, but at the time, I was seeing some wonderful things begin to happen within the church and I wanted to be a part of seeing them grow and continue. That was my desire.

Since January I have been doing a lot of preaching and reflection about prayer and the importance of prayer being a way for God’s desires (God’s will) to inform and transform my own desires and choices. Every time we say the Lord’s Prayer we say that we want our lives to align with God’s desires in the world. As I reflected on that, I realized that we only give lip service to the whole idea of obedience to God and obedience to any one else who has rightful authority over us.

In the United Methodist system, there aren’t a lot of times when authority is exercised directly unless you step over the wrong line. We value the freedom of the pulpit as long ethical integrity is maintained. However, the system of appointment making is one of those mechanisms that we accept in our vows as the ordained when we enter that ministerial order. I know for many years I have heard colleagues complain about the oppressive control over them that this brings. So the system has been tweaked to allow clergy and churches a bit more control over where and when they serve, yet, those voices are still only consultative. The Bishop and appointive Cabinet are still the ones who have the control.

So when I received the call during Holy Week inviting me to a new appointment, I found my prayers leading me back to Dorotheos. There are strengths and weaknesses to my current appointment (that I know of) there will be strengths and weaknesses to any new appointment (which I will need to learn anew). I could have simply run the numbers of size of church, size of benefit package, or even the size of the parsonage and made the decision based on those standards. Yet, that seemed to be focused on seeking what I want to have happen, and my own desires. In the end, my choice came down to being an obedient member of the communion of clergy in the Iowa Annual Conference.

I am reluctant to write those words because they sound a bit braggy. But I am not seeking to feed my own pride in this choice. If anything, I write it to remind myself that I move into the new position not out of the sense that I will do great things there, but that I need to come as one who seeks to remain obedient to the will of God and needs to continue to seek God’s desires no matter what happens here, there, or wherever God’s Spirit leads me next.

I am also finding that this four letter word is not as odious as I thought. It is even becoming related to another four letter word: love.

A couple weeks ago, I made first contact with Dorotheos of Gaza. He was a 6th century monk and teacher that was best known while he resided in the communities around Gaza. His major theme was humility and I am finding a number of stimulating and challenging ideas from him. So I will be pulling out a few quotes from him before I move on to another desert mystic.

One of his surviving discourses was directed towards those who were put in charge of a community. A major part of this discourse deals with how to correct a member of the community.

Never separate yourself from the holy example of Christ, who said, “Learn of me for I am meek and humble of heart.” First make a point of acquiring a peaceful state of soul, so that correction is given not out of pretended righteousness or for the pleasure of rebuking, but as a duty performed for the sake of love and cleanness of heart. Building up your brother in this way, you shall hear a voice saying to you, “If you extract what is precious from what is unclean, you shall be compared to my own voice. (Jeremiah 15:19)” [Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings, Eric Wheeler, trans, Cistercian Publications, Kalamazoo, 1977, page 239]

There are quite a few points in this quote that is worthy of reflection as I consider being a leader in church, a teacher, a pastor, and as a spiritual director. The words about giving correction out of “pretended righteousness or for the pleasure of rebuking” caught me right between the eyes. It is so easy to go around with my own sense of pride that tells me that I know how things must be done, that I so easily derive a little bit of pleasure at putting some people in their place. “After all, I am the seminary-trained pastor here.” I have to remember that Jesus rebuked the people of Jerusalem with sadness and grief not pride and power.

However, the part of the quote that is more inspiring in its challenge is related to his paraphrase of Jeremiah. The image of extracting or mining what is precious from a soul that is broken or wayward in sin and temptation is a very healing image for ministry, and especially the ministry of directing others toward righteousness. How can I see through the surface grime in a pride-filled life and help that other person see and reveal the precious child of God within? That indeed is a holy challenge and a Christ-filled endeavor.

Yet, as the soul miner we are really seeking what God has done and is doing in the life of another. If God by grace keeps on calling to the lost sheep, then we need to honor God’s compassion with our compassion.

More from The Sayings of the Desert Fathers (Benedicta Ward, trans, Cistercian Publications, 1975).

This one comes from Abba Arsenius who was originally a tutor in the Royal Court in Rome, then left it all for the solitude of the Egyptian desert.

A brother questioned Abba Arsenius to hear a word of him and the old man said to him, “Strive with all your might to bring your interior activity in accord with God, and you will overcome exterior passions.” [Arsenius Saying # 9, page 10]

With all the focus nowadays with image and looking good and how can we as the church present ourselves in such a way that seekers will be interested in us, Abba Arsenius provides me a needed corrective. It all comes back to who we are with God when no one can see us. The nature of the work of the Spirit is that as we align our hearts with our relationship with the loving God, then our lives will follow. And instead of being controlled by the world around us and our/its image of us, God is able to recreate us as grace and righteousness desire.

Continuing my reading of the Sayings of the Desert Fathers (Benedicta Ward, trans; published by Cistercian Publications, 1975).

This is from Abba Agathon, one of the early monks at the community of Scetis.

The brethren also asked him, “Amongst all good works, which is the virtue which requires the greatest effort?” He answered, “Forgive me, but I think there is no labour greater than that of prayer to God. For every time a man wants to pray, his enemies, the demons, want to prevent him, for they know that it is only by turning him from prayer that they can hinder his journey. Whatever good work a man undertakes, if he preseveres in it, he will attain rest. But prayer is warfare to the last breath.” [Agathon, #9, p21f]

So I am not alone in the struggles with prayer, nor will it really get much easier. That is both comforting and not. Prayer is the only way to make the journey and prayer is always an uphill battle.

Sorry for the lack of posting, not even sure why, but know that I want to get back. Here is one way I am going to try, spiritual quotes. I am currently working through Benedicta Ward’s The Sayings of the Desert Fathers, (Cistercian Publications, Kalamazoo, 1975)

Abba Anthony says:

A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him saying, “You are mad, you are not like us.” [#25, p 6]

My immediate thought is that we are in that time. And which mad am I?

I substituted for my Dear Wife tonight in leading her Bible meditation group (she is home very sick). I was actually glad to have the opportunity to do it, since I have been slacking on my own meditation time. After the initial sharing time, we entered into meditating on John 7:37-39. I found an interesting transformation of images happening for me.

A couple months ago during a time of meditative imaging (allowing God to bring an image to our consciousness), I had a powerful image of a stream/river flowing from a distant mountain valley leading up to and ending at my feet. I have not been able to discern its significance even though I bring it up from time to time. Yet I know it is an important one becuase as it was originally forming, my heart raced and grabbed my attention.

Tonight, I think I might be finding another piece to the mystery of this image. In reflection, I focused on Jesus saying in verse 38: “Out of the believer’s heart shall flow rivers of living water. [NRSV]”

The transformation involved the flow of the stream. Originally, I had thought the image was pointing to the water comingt o water and fill me. That came partly because when I was in the image, the “camera pan” started away and ended at my feet. Yet, I was not able to actually see the water, I just knew it was there. It was startling to me that the living water flows from my heart not into my heart.

So the question now comes to me, how am I damming up the water that should be flowing out? Maybe that is why my stream has seemed dry. I was expecting the answer to come from outside, when the Spirit was already inside and I was being greedy and thinking I needed to keep it all in for me.

Dying water stagnates and does not move. Living water is allowed the freedom to flow.

Flow from the Spirit-source which is already in this believer’s heart. Hmmm.

No this isn’t a prediction post where I try to guess what kinds of things will happen this year, or even whether or not I think it will be a better or worse year. I figure that I will leave those kinds of things to God, and just learn to trust that in the good and the trying that the presence of God will get us through it.

This is a bit more local.

When we were trying to come up with ministry themes for the two churches I serve for our annual Charge Conferences I was dry. I was feeling discouraged with the whole idea of “programming church.” For years the people in these congregations had tried all kinds of programs to stimulate their growth and not a whole lot happened lately. We were also going through some trying times where some deep interpersonal issues were beginning to crack through the surface of our vision, so the idea of trying to cover them up with some sort of distracting program did not appeal to me.

What did appeal to me was to choose only one ministry goal: to spend at least the first six months with focused emphasis on prayer, in preaching, small groups, and in meeting times.

As I start to figure out how to do that, I am a bit scared. Who do I think I am trying to teach on prayer? I am no spiritual master, and my training in spiritual direction only reveals to me how little I (or anyone else) can know about prayer. And if I want to preach about prayer, will I find enough interesting material to cover 6 months worth of sermons. My initial thoughts were that I could come up with a couple months and then it would be hard.

So today, we went to visit family. The trip is about 2 and half hours each way and Linda drove the first way (so I could drive home in the dark and the rain). I grabbed one of my little yellow pads and started jotting down ideas for prayer related themes and thoughts. Here is my paper.

Looks like my problem now is having too many ideas to choose from, or taking more time to expand the focus. I would rather have that problem.

This afternoon I was trying to let go of the thoughts in my monkey brain in order to center and be present to the Presence. For a few moments I was getting frustrated (some other thoughts that successfully counter silence), then I remembered reading someone write that prayer is a gift.

That helped me to relax and release the frustration at least (the monkey thoughts were still racing around trying to grab my attention).

The idea of prayer as gift took on two dimensions in my reflection later (counter-productive to reflect on a thought about releasing thoughts in the midst of the time to release thoughts in silence). One dimension is the idea that prayer is a gift of God to us. It is not something that we can manufacture. While there are some techniques that one can learn, proper techniques do not make prayer. If a big part of prayer is the living connection with the presence of God then we cannot command God, we can only place ourselves in a place of openness and willingness and wait for God to choose the means of that presence. Sometimes that gift is the quieting of the monkey brain, sometimes that gift is the quiet in the midst of the squealing attention seekers in our heads and hearts. And then there are the times when the awareness of the gift must wait, but our waiting is the gift.

The other dimension is that our prayer is a gift to God. I give up on the idea of prayer as duty. I am less happy with the teachers of vocational prayer (it is our work). If prayer is about relationship, then we come to God not out of sense of having to, but because we love to, we want to, we desire to. If our coming to God is gift then it becomes more precious to us and to God.

And who wouldn’t rather give/receive a gift regularly to someone you love than to just show up and do your job?

I would.

And I think God would also.

Doing a little more reflection on the whole idea of discontentment and how difficult it is for us. I think the problem is that we have little idea of where contentment arises.

I think we somehow think that peace and contentment is something that we can create or something that we can gather from outside sources.

Maybe that outside source is our stuff, our possessions, our status, or our associations. If we only had this, or had that, or had enough of whatever we would finally have peace. Trouble is, there is never enough of whatever. The more we have the more we think we need. We become less content and more fearful.

True contentment comes from our inner being, a spirit founded not on greed and gluttony and more things, but one based on the Spirit of Love and generous grace. When we are at peace inside our own skin and soul then we can find peace no matter what the circumstances are.