A Labyrinthine Journey

Yesterday’s post about my initial responses to Ephesians 2 was a strange one for me to write. It as one of those let’s get the words down raw and let them just sit there as they are. I don’t think I will preach that passage in just that way. And for me it was a risk to write it that way, but it was a choice.

A choice of voice.

In my study of the enneagram I continue to see myself as a Type 8. If you do any kind of looking at the Enneagram types the 8 is the more strong willed, in your face, powerful leader. I am learning to see where I do intimidate people, and I am learning to accept that as my type energy at work. Yet, I have spent years not liking the commonly expected voice of the Enneagram 8, what I am thinking of as the Confrontation Voice.

Before I knew of the Enneagram, I had observed some very clear examples of that Confrontation Voice from church leaders. I saw the harm those harsh words had on my life and on the lives of others. So as I was seeking my own voice as a preacher and a leader I intentionally sought a different voice. It was those years of cultivating a non-confrontational and peacemaking voice that led me first to see my Enneagram Type as a 9. I was content with that.

So one of my struggles with the Enneagram has been accepting that I do have that Confrontational Energy and voice within me. Part of that acceptance is to find healthy ways to practice it. And practice is the operative word there. I am clumsy with my Enneagram 8 energy and voice. It is a shift of years of practice to become open to an important part of how God made me.

So yesterday’s post was a practice exercise in that more Confrontational Voice that is one of my authentic voices.

My preferred preaching voice? Invitational. And I can see how that can be just as bold and clear of a type 8 voice as the more confrontational one can be.

To me, the Bible is a collection of God’s loving invitations to us. Invitations to live a life aligned with the righteousness and love that God showed us in creating us, tending us, redeeming us, and transforming us. One of my pastors said once that God does not break into our lives to invade us, that is evil’s modus operandi. God knocks gently and persistently on the doors of our hearts inviting us to open and welcome in the Essence of the Divine. We can choose to ignore the invitation and we can refuse it, and God’s grace will respect that choice.

Yet, God will keep on offering the invitation. As long as we have life in our bodies God will keep on offering that invitation. And I’m even open to the idea that not even death will stop God from that extended grace (can we say purgatory?).

Even in the Ephesians 2 and Acts 10 passages, I can just as easily see God reaching out in love to Us and reaching out in love to Them and then looking at each of us with those sparkling/piercing eyes of grace and saying,…

“Shall we dance together?”

That’s a great invitation.

As a preacher, words are my tools. Other people have other instruments and implements to do their work, but as a preacher and a spiritual director all I have available to me are words. Words received and words handed out.

While preparing to preach on Ephesians 1:3-14 last week, it dawned on me that language can be small or it can be big. It isn’t a matter of large or small words. Nor is it a question of intelligence. Language can lead us into our experience of past, present, and future. Our language belies our view of God, the world, our selves, and our possibilities.

Have you noticed how prevalent small language is in our society? Words and ideas that seek to contain and restrict our ideas and our imaginations. Listening to some people all you can hear are stories of a penned up life with a sparse past, a future without, and a present filled to overflowing with scarcity. Reminds me of the book that J.B.Phillips wrote, “Your God is Too Small.” Even without reading the book the title offers a challenge to each of us who seek to use language to describe the God who lives beyond words and whose grace breaks open every soul who seeks to fathom that love.

Then there is the story of the blind men and the elephant. Small language seeks to understand God completely and stops content that it has succeeded. What is left is a view of god that is smaller than our capacity and at the whim of each different practitioner of those words.

No small language or small God for Paul in Ephesians 1! Read those words a few times and allow the rich vastness just wash over your soul. With those words Paul invites us to dive into an understanding of God and Grace that is not small in any manner of the word. Abundance. Spaciousness. Glory. Riches. These words call us to an openness of life that is what we yearn for, and what terrorizes us. “Woe is me,” Isaiah writes in chapter 6 of his prophecy, “I am small and messed up and I am in the presence of Vastness and Wonder.” (my loose paraphrase).

Everytime we dare to enter the presence of God-words, we need to share the same sense of scale. Our words are inadequate. God’s language is Huge. Yet, God has gifted thsoe words to us as the bridge of life eternal, abundant, boundless and free.

With gratitude let us follow Paul’s invitation and live this moment and each new moment “for the praise of God’s glorious grace.”

One of those issues that have been almost omnipresent in my life for quite a while is procrastination. That ability to put things off with regularity has led to more agony and trouble in my life than anything else in my life and in my ministry. I have tried all kinds of different time management and organizational strategies. Every year or so, I get really upset and frustrated with myself that I put in a lot of effort to get my life under control.

Yet, all those attempts last for only a couple weeks and I get back into the same cluttered morass that I was in before. Maybe even worse because now I add guilt and further frustration to the mix. The spiral of procrastination becomes a vortex.

In the last few months and especially the last few weeks I have been in another cycle of trying to wrestle the demon of procrastination into submission.

If I follow course, this attempt will last another week or two and then will fade away.

So, I’m trying not to follow course. I’m seeking this time for more than just a different technique (though I am open to tools that will actually work for me) but a new attitude to my dilemma.

One day a couple months ago, there was a reference on my twitter feed to Mark Forster and a new approach to working with lists called Autofocus. It is a way to trust one’s intuition in deciding what needs done at any time. I liked it. It fit better than any other tool I’ve tried. In the last week, Mark has released a version 2 of Autofocus which I am using now. Yet, it wasn’t yet enough. My struggle was still a source of great frustration. My war on poor management was still on.

Today I identified this as what needs to change.

In my reading up and studying Autofocus, I found a link to a set of pages on procrastination itself from the Department of Health of Western Australia. I am still working my way through the exercises, and I am excited since it offers me a new approach.

One important aspect of that approach is grace. As long as I approach my time use from a position of judgment and condemnation I was always working and fighting against myself. And with all the self-criticism all that happens is I dig myself deeper into depression and self sabotaging activity.

That hit me this morning as I was journaling about my frustration with my lack of motivation to change.

Before anything can change, I have to begin with God’s grace and acceptance. Even as I recognize that I can be more than I am now, I have to begin with who I am right now, procrastination and all. The freedom to become begins with the freedom to be.

That is God’s approach to our own transformation. Grace comes at the beginning of God’s work in our lives, infuses every phase of the process and provides our hopes and dreams. I heard someone say that God loves us enough to come to us just the way we are, yet God also loves us so much that we aren’t allowed to remain as less than we can be.

One of those strange phenomenons I see in my own life is the cycle of discouragement.

The first step in the cycle is that I do something, or something happens to me that is wonderful. Maybe I am blessed with a surprising and special grace from someone. Maybe out of the blue, I have one of those experiences of God’s living and loving presence. Or maybe, I have done something that I know has truly touched someone’s life. A great success. A tangible and visible fruit of my words or leadership. I feel on top of the world. The day is a very good day.

Then, the other part of the cycle kicks in. The doubts arise. The emptiness in my heart is palatable. It comes as wilderness. My well is dry. The grip of inertia mocks any attempt I make to rouse my mind or spirit.

I hate it. It drives me crazy. It is virtually predictable and ever dependable.

Yet, I found myself today with the revelation that this cycle might be a great gift from the same loving God who blesses me with the mountaintops.

Well, Paul in this week’s lectionary helped in that seeing…

I know a person in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven–whether in the body or out of the body I do not know; God knows. And I know that such a person–whether in the body or out of the body I do not know; God knows–was caught up into Paradise and heard things that are not to be told, that no mortal is permitted to repeat. On behalf of such a one I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses.
But if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I will be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think better of me than what is seen in me or heard from me, even considering the exceptional character of the revelations. Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.  – 2 Corinthians 12:2-10 – NRSV

Now, I don’t really know what Paul’s thorn was, yet I don’t think that detail matters as much as Paul’s process of taking something which really bothered him and frustrated him, and recasts it in light of God’s grace into something that does serve God and Paul’s love relationship with God.

Could my cycle of discouragement be God’s gracious antidote to feeding my own ego-centric tendencies? When I feel empty, is it a wonderful invitation from God to let go of my own experience of God’s goodness and to really trust in God’s goodness alone? I still find the discouragement hanging over my head as I write, but I think I will thank God for the shade and wait to see what God will do next in my life.

I confess, I love summer vacation. Not so much that I get a lot of time off (though we do get away a little) but that the season breathes freedom to play. Also the heat of the day leads me to much needed slowing down time. When it is almost 100 degrees (as it is when I write these words) you can’t do anything fast. You can’t push your life. Let these words about the desert mystics be a guide for us.

In the desert the most urgent thing is—to wait. The desert does not take kindly to those who tackle it at breakneck speed, subjecting it to their plans and deadlines. It soon takes its revenge and makes them pay dearly for their presumption. Instead, the desert welcomes those who shed their sandals of speed and walk slowly in their bare feet, letting them be caressed and burnt by the sand. If you have no ambition to conquer the desert, if you do not think you are in charge, if you can calmly wait for things to be done, then the desert will not consider you an intruder and will reveal its secrets to you. – By Alessandro Pronzato

We all need that time to slow down, sit a spell, and drink lots of water. God didn’t make us to be driven 24 hours a day as machines. God from the very beginning instilled in us and the universe the rhythms of day and night, work and rest, with a healthy dose of worship and sabbath. So this summer, take advantage of the invitation to slow down and be re-created.

However, don’t take a vacation from God.

We easily do that when we forget gratitude. Don’t just turn off your heart as you sit on the beach, look around and give thanks for the sun and sand and cooling water. Don’t close your spirit when you work and serve other people, offer your ideas and talents to others as gifts of God to you and through you. Don’t be selfish with your time, be sure to share your time with people in need as well as others who gather in worship. God is the source of all things, not because we deserve them, but because of Divine Love. Find ways to express, witness, and share your gratitude in the space this summer gives you.

When I first started becoming aware of the presence of depression in my life, I would describe it as a void of emotion. At one level, the emptiness felt like a nothingness. I would look inside and would not find feelings or words. Even now as I see signs of burn out and even acedia in my inner landscape it would appear to be life/God forsaken.

One of the things I have been learning over the years is my experience of emptiness is more akin to overload. Instead of not feeling, I am over-feeling and my soul clicks a switch to protect itself from self-destruct. This remembering does help calm the fear and soothe the guilt which amplifies the emotional overload and keeps the breaker switch tripped.

While the image of the desert does come from time to time, the prevailing image for me is that of dense fog or overgrown swamp. It isn’t so much that I can’t find feelings to feel, it is a matter of I can’t sort through all that are there.

For example, there are many times when I feel like I have no strength at all and I am tempted to run away and not come out until I feel all better. Yet, as I continue to explore and accept my 8 Enneatype, I recognize that deep strength and energy are at the core of my essence. I learn to look for the ways I have lost sight of that essential connection with my core. And that core is really there all the time.

Another example is the bad thought of acedia (my Enneatype 9 wing), which is at its base an uncaring. In the grip of that thought I don’t care. I can’t care for myself, I can’t care for my family, my ministry, or anyone/anything. So I just sit unmoving. But Essence comes to me and bothers me. I find myself caring that I don’t care. I remember that I am a caring person, and if I feel uncaring, I have lost sight of that essential connection to my core (yes, I just repeated myself from above). Caring deeply for life and others (including myself) is part of how God made each of us and I need to believe that Essence is not lost even when I have lost the sight of the connection.

Usually, when I rediscover the connection, it is because I have too much. I am lost in the everything unable to focus on the lines and threads of life’s Essence.

I feel the same way with my longing and yearning to write. I have a growing folder of random pieces of paper that represent thoughts and ideas to reflect further on and write to share with others. Some of those become the source of my blog posts (the purpose of this nice technology for me) in a more raw form. I don’t do much editing with my blog posts (you can probably tell) by choice. Someone I read suggested that the raw nature of the medium provides some way to slip thoughts past my very active internal critic. The only critic I engage is the one that assesses whether the words will bring harm to others especially my family.

I talk about grace and compassion a lot. Part of the reason for that is that I find myself needing to practice that grace and compassion with myself as well. To not only invite my inner critic to have compassion upon me, but to have compassion on the inner critic part of me as well.

Only that personal and divine grace will bring clarifying light to the fear-filled fog/darkness/swamp/whatever in my life. And a big part of that grace is not to give up on myself or the work of the Holy Spirit.

• New blog posting, Tweets for 2009-05-11 – http://tinyurl.com/r8yzuc 01:39:09
• RT @janineshepherd: Every day one must dance, even if only in thought. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov 08:29:18
• RT @beachtweet: The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. -Madeleine L’Engle 08:35:58
• RT @shaleminstitute: Awarenessabsorbed and amazed—Teresa of Avila 08:44:10
• slipping gently into a day that has space for work. Not much scheduled. Hope to clear out desk/todo clutter today. 08:45:23
• RT @mdemuth: “Next to faith this is the highest art–to be content with the calling in which God has placed you.” Martin Luther. Amen! 09:45:23
• trying to work up an article for community paper: in time of anxiety building a house on the sand of fear vs on bedrock of God’s promises 10:26:20
• RT @iDontLikechurch: We tend to think that God likes what we like and he likes it exclusively 11:03:34
• New blog posting, Sandy House vs Rocky House – http://tinyurl.com/oed63k 12:13:08
• RT @jenlouden: RT @FredericBrussat: Creativity: To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong – J. Pearce (perfect for me) 14:24:35
• New blog posting, Great Post on Thriving to jump to – http://tinyurl.com/oohnox 20:43:11
• Been doing computer related research tonight. Anyone use dimdim.com for online conferencing? What I see looks great for what we want. 20:46:51
• Turning attention to funeral preparation. A saint of the church who 6 yrs ago slipped away into Alzheimers. Her body finally caught up. 21:08:02
• RT @SandyMcMullen: Amen to @AnneMaybus rt @Iconic88 The power of Twitter is in your sharing, not your selling.; dm, if U sell too much, bye 21:44:11

• Been watching History Channel. Don’t quite get the whole “Angels & Demons” controversy of the new movie. 00:07:56
• Time for bed. We celebrate the life of a dear 101 year old saint Monday afternoon. Blessings Ida Mae. 00:08:44
• New blog posting, Tweets for 2009-05-10 – http://tinyurl.com/o5l9lg 01:37:40
• trying to put together a Celebration of Life for sweet lady, lots of good interruptions this morning. Not worried though. 10:40:23
• RT @earthmystic: We have heaven within ourselves since the Lord of heaven is there. — St. Teresa of Avila 10:40:51
• RT @iDontLikechurch: When the unchurched become people and not projects – you may actually win them 10:43:50
• RT @butterflybeacon: We do not need to beg Him to bless us. He simply cannot help it. –Hannah Whitall Smith #quote 12:08:17

• Tomorrow should be fun (really, I’m not kidding) teaching the Trinity to Confirmation class. 00:18:34
• New blog posting, Tweets for 2009-05-09 – http://tinyurl.com/qrh6e6 01:27:23
• A spring morning in Iowa. 36 degrees F.? What’s up with that? 08:01:22
• RT @MichaelHyatt: “We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.” -John Gardner 08:02:00
• RT @emergentvillage: RT @revmtb: God is like a mother who cannot let go no matter how many times we leave, God loves us with freedom 11:41:19

• New blog posting, Tweets for 2009-05-08 – http://tinyurl.com/r73tp5 01:29:50
• As a preacher, my throat is my most vulnerable place. If I get any kind of cold, it focuses on my throat. True today. Healing please? 12:19:34
• this week in my Rethinking Church: moving our how from Gravitational to Radiational: using @lensweet APC 2 MRI model in So Beautiful 15:41:08
• RT @missional: Women: 1/2 world’s population, do 2/3 world’s work, earn 1/10 of world’s income, own 1/100 of world’s property/land. #fail 23:26:22