A Labyrinthine Journey

One of the struggles I have been having lately (again) is with the whole loss of self-hood that many times accompanies ordination. I’m sure you’ve seen or experienced it before. The situation where you become ordained and you suddenly lose your first name: for many people I will only be Pastor Morris and never David. At one level I am just fine with that. I will allow people to choose the level of relationship with me that they are most comfortable with. Yet, I always want some people in the church to get past the role label and see me also as simply a person who has something to do in the church, but that the person (my Self) is always more than the title I hold and the role I play in the life of the church.

One of the drawbacks of the “Only the Pastor” syndrome is that I am now not allowed to be human. I cannot make mistakes, I cannot have struggles, and I cannot be “off.”

That is one factor (not the biggest mind you, but one nonetheless) in my acceptance of being back in the world of the depressed. (Saw the Dr today and started anti-depressants and will start with a pastoral counselor in the morning.) The expectation to always be in the role of the Pastor means that I have to play out a drama of denial in most of my interaction with people. If I cannot be human with people in the church than where can I find the network of emotional support that I need to stay out of or to recover from being depressed.

In my experience, depression is at its heart a disease of denial and avoidance. The path out of it is through acceptance and facing the pain, the grief and the fear that I have been actively hiding from and not acknowledging as part of my life. I have actually had people tell me that they see the pastor as someone who because of their spiritual life have become immune to any kind of spiritual, emotional or even physical weakness. And that they depend upon the wholeness/holiness of the pastor to take care of their own weaknesses and struggles. That person was at least honest with that sentiment, but I have experienced many people who think that but cannot say it quite that clearly.

So, the pastor must play the role of always being together and always being strong and always being assured and hopefilled. Yet, I am only human, and nothing magical happens at ordination. No imputation of extraordinary immunity in any realm of life. A recognition and the passing on of authority to bring the message of hope and faith to a people who are seeking that hope as a person who is also seeking and wrestling with that hope in his or her own life.

Fortunately, all it takes is a few people in each church to give this pastor back his humanity. And those people take a while to find. So I hope and pray and I seek to trust in God’s provision more fully.

A day for sermons…multiple.

For many, this is the best opportunity for worship and preaching. I
want to make sure I am ready for it all. A short message during
communion tonight. A short message as we retell the story of Christ’s
Passion tomorrow night. Then hopefully a simple, yet good message on
Saturday night and Sunday morning.

Interesting as I look over my notes so far, that they all keep coming
back to Love. God’s love shown in Jesus, and God’s love lived in us.

Unlike some who focus almost exclusively on the suffering part of the
Passion, I want to see the lengths that God’s True Passion/Love goes
to bring us salvation.

For those who tend to look down at folks who decide only at Easter to
come to Church I say remember that Love. I beleive God loves to see us
whenever we think of Divine things. And who knows, maybe some Easter
will be instrumental in someone starting a change in their lives.

Come and Welcome!!

As I was trying to walk to the Post Office this afternoon to get the
mail I was thinking more about that whole arrogance/humility thing. I
guess the discussions I hear usually use the word confidence or
assurance. But I like to cut through all the layers and get to the
heart of the struggle. How do we balance out the pulls of arrogance
and humility to step out in confidence.

As I said, I was thinking about that as I was trying to walk to the
Post Office. The key word in that phrase is trying. We have
been skirted by freezing rain a few times in the last week or so. This
morning, I virtually skated over to the office. I consider myself a
confident walker, having walked for most of my 46 years, but today,
you would see me walking around like an uncertain toddler as the
footing itself was uncertain. I could have tried to walk confidently
on the ice, but I think it would have won and I would look anything
but confident. It took a sort of humility to recognize my limitations
(imposed by the ice), but it also took some degree of arrogance to
even try to venture on foot the 3 blocks to the Post Office. I found
myself able to walk with some confidence that I wasn’t going to fall
because I was listening to the ice and also striding carefully
forward.

It is vitally important for leaders (or anyone in any kind of
relationship) to listen and be aware of the other, and also to be
aware of one’s own abilities (or lack thereof) and continue to stride
forward.

On a side note. I am missing my labyrinth. Right now it is underneath
about 15+ inches of snow.

Blessings, David

Just the other night, Linda and I were talking about leadership and
humility. One of the things I have had to learn about being a Pastor
of a Church is that I need to develop a deep humility yet wrap it up
in a thin layer of arrogance. Without the humility, I set myself up to
really hurt people and damage the Church. Yet without the layer of
arrogance, I would wimp out and never say anything of substance. I
would never seek to do anything new or original. I would never do
anything for which I would be proud.

I think this is a good area for thought for my first foray into online
journalling (called blogging). I have to begin with the idea that
there might be something marginally interesting about what I may be
doing or thinking on any particular day.

For those of you from my churches reading this. Don’t worry. I will
uphold strict confidentiality in my journalling. I will just open up
my heart and soul, not yours.

Blessings, David