While in the Labyrinth trying to process this morning’s crash, I was reminded of a little insight that came last week from somewhere.
It isn’t how many times you fall that counts,
it is getting up each time that matters.
I’m up, that is always a good thing.
Does this title sound like some frustration? It comes from a frustrating place. I so easily get fooled by signs of healing that soon I will be all done with the power of the depression in my life. But that is not the case. I do celebrate some clear occasions of healing in heart and understanding like some of the things I have shared here recently. Yet, depression is a perverse process that holds on tightly and does not release its grip easily.
I have been reminded that depression is still a physical phenomenon, as well as an emotional and spiritual impairment. For me, I find that I still am prone to days with no energy and an utter inability to concentrate or function. Today is just such a day. Again, the last couple days have been good days of experiencing good things and seeing new insights into my life and the life of God in me. But today, while those are still real and true, the body and brain flip off a switch and I find myself frustrated and discouraged by the pervasive nature of this.
But then my understanding reminds me that my brain has been “programmed” to function in a way that encourages apathy and acedia for many, many years. The brain is able to adapt, but it doesn’t adapt quickly. Its nature is to try to keep things the way they are. When one is healthy, that is a good thing, as the immune system restores health. However, when one’s habitual way of being is out of balance or unhealthy (as in an addiction or depression, etc) the brain doesn’t know the difference between restoring to health or dis-ease, it just wants to get back to where it was most recently.
So this recovery thing is not over quickly and especially as it begins is prone to these frustrations and obstacles.
Oh, Beloved Healer, Help me!
Technorati Tags: depression
Last week I was getting to the end of reading Dr. Richard O’Connor’s book, Undoing Depression: What Therapy Doesn’t Teach You and Medication Can’t Give You (Berkley Books, 1997). Some parts weren’t helpful, but overall I would recommend the book. Anyway, I was getting near the end of the book and I was stopped by the following two paragraphs:
Depressives fear intimacy. We put on masks for the world, because we believe our true selves to be shameful, unworthy. With practice, we can keep our masks up all the time, so no one ever knows what we think we’re really like inside. We can fool everybody into thinking we’re loyal, honest, generous, and caring when deep inside we are convinced it’s an act.
But if you keep up the act like this all your life, who are you fooling? Who is the real you? Is it the one that people love, or is it the secret self inside? I submit that the real you is the self you present to the world; this is the self you are responsible for. The inside self is an artifact of depression, guilt, and shame, no more than a trick of the mind, but one that can dominate our life unless we let people know about it. (pages 315-316)
These words nailed me. I have for years been trying to figure out who the real me is that I have kept hidden and I have gotten lost from time to time in that quest. Lost because I can’t find anything and there are some places where I am afraid to go to look inside because I am afraid of what I will find (not anything hideous, but something painful). However, lately I have been questioning the whole being afraid of what I will find thing. I have allowed some early experiences of rejection color and oppress my view of my self for 25 years. And as I remember those episodes, they are rejections that I did not deserve. They were attempts to shame me (successfully I might say) for nothing that I really did.
In other words, I have been afraid of a ghost of shame that was never really there in the first place. True that fear-induced depression and paralysis has led to some very true episodes of guilt for sins of omission, but those no longer have to be true. The Self that I have been living is one that I enjoy and I am glad that I can claim that Self as true. I also am glad that I can welcome into the care of my life the times of pain and struggle, but not for shame and judgement, now for healing and grace.
This is going to take some getting used to, but I think I am going to enjoy this paradigm shift a whole lot.
Technorati Tags: depression
The other day I was lost in a Blah day. Right after I posted that note, I hit the road for the hour drive to see my counselor. Quite often lately, I have found I like to drive in silence since the time in the car is a good time to think. But that day I couldn’t think. So I turned on the CD Player. Currently I have a CD from Afro-Celt Sound System in there and right away when the music started and the rhythms began I had to turn it up. The day was warm, so the moonroof slid open, and the steering wheel and stick shift knob became percussion instruments and bass strings.
Amazing how getting lost in the rhythm and the melodies and sounds of life just swept the Blahs away and restored my own life’s rhythm.
Now if I only learned how to dance, but that would have made driving a bit more of a challenge.
Technorati Tags: music therapy, depression
I hate the Blah days.
It has been about 7 weeks now that I have been undergoing treatment for dysthymic (chronic) depression and I am beginning to see the results from it. I am starting to have good days where I am able to get many things done. I am not as blocked on some days from going through the wall of taking initiative in reaching out to people not only to share but also to minister. I am also finding that I am growing in awareness of my feelings and naming my reactions to things and people in my life. Those are all good things.
But those good things are only for some days so far and even then only for parts of other days. There are still the Blah days and the Off parts of the days. And now that I am beginning to feel emotions, I am becoming acutely aware of how much I don’t like those days and how frustrated and discouraged I get with those Blah parts of me. I have to keep telling myself that even that is a good thing. Stuck in the depression I would be “blissfully” unaware of my dilemma. I wouldn’t feel good, but I wouldn’t feel bad either.
If you haven’t been able to guess, this is a Blah day. Yesterday was a great day. I was able to feel good and get some good things done. I was creative and engaged and even did some long-range planning for things. But by the end of the afternoon, my energy level bottomed out. While I was able to pull it back up for the time of our lenten studies (which are going well) I was in the Blahs since.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I am remembering and am again tasting vitality of living and creating. But I can’t force myself out of it. I have to ride it out. But maybe I can have my sails ready for when the wind starts blowing again so that I will be ready for the next gust of the winds of life to keep moving.
Interesting thought to take to my counselor this afternoon.
Technorati Tags: dysthymia, depression
[a little bit of raw reflection]
I just came in from a chilly, yet very interesting labyrinth walk. Eventhough it is only 31 degrees outside and the wind is blowing to bring the wind chill down it wasn’t too bad to consider a walk in my labyrinth. Besides, I needed it.
Mondays lately have turned out to be bad days. Days when the anxiety level skyrockets, my energy level plummets and while there are always things to do (I had to make a hospital trip today) it is hard to maintain concentration. Usually it ends up being a study day. Today started out as one of those days. Even the time in centering prayer only brought limited relief from the heart-ache I usually face on Monday. And as I drove up for the hospital visit (with a dear woman I love to visit, too) I had to fight a wall of free-range anxiety. But I made the visit, had a nice time and then drove through that same wall on the way home.
So when I stepped up to the labyrinth this evening, I formulated my purpose: I want to be free of this pain.
I anticipated that the walk was going to be a hard one and that with each step toward the center, I would be picking up the pieces of hurts and sorrows that I have buried in my unconscious for years. And I hoped that if I was able to bear the pain to the center I could drop them in sacred space and symbolically walk away from them.
The trouble with expectations is that they don’t always come true.
The first step-with that set of expectations-was very hard. But strangely enough my experience was anything but that. Instead of finding myself picking up more and more pains and sorrows, I found myself dropping them off with each step until I reached the center not overburdened by it all, but able to stand straight for the first time of the day.
As I stood in the center (I decided that while I could handle the cold air, sitting on the cold cement bench was too much) my eyes caught the cross that I have hung on the garage wall. And while I don’t remember the words what I “heard” was the idea that we were never meant to carry our pains and sorrows, that was what Jesus came to do on the cross. I was carrying them needlessly.
So with a strange look on my face as I considered that new yet old idea, I walked out. And then I remembered the promise.
Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [Matthew 11:28-29, NRSV]
So as I sit here writing, I find myself a bit bewildered, a bit hopeful, and a bit tired. Now I am wondering what the next moments will bring, but I now have a different perspective to bring to life today.
Thought I would bring a little update on my depression watch. It has been almost 5 weeks now since I began treatment for dysthymic (chronic) depression and I can tell that things are changing, but I can also tell that there is so far to go.
Since one of the affects of depression is the suppression of feeling my emotions that is the part where I can see the affects of the anti-depressant. I am starting to feel things again. And I have to keep telling myself that that is a good thing, because-as I feared-the emotions that I have begun feeling are the ones of pain and especially anxiety. Monday I had an appointment with my counselor and she somehow didn’t get notice of the appointment time change so she wasn’t there. I was already feeling anxious about talking about things (normal) but that seemed to heighten the anxiety. So I was trying to drive around town doing a little shopping while trying to calm my breathing and the knot in my chest. Within a couple hours I was able to face the stumbling block of that anxiety, get home, and give myself some space to find calm.
So is that good or bad? It feels bad, but I am seeing it as good. If my depression flows from and is amplified by my attempts to avoid my pain and anxiety that means that to break the depressive cycle, I am going to have to feel and somehow embrace the pain and fear. The lesson learned that day is that I felt it and survived.
What that also tells me is that the antidepressant is starting to work, but that it is not yet a strong enough dose to provide the brain resources to deal better with the pain and anxiety. Time to call the Dr. I suppose.
Another thing that tells me is the importance of sticking to my spiritual disciplines. Right now my only spiritual discipline is a time of centering prayer in the morning. I have been working on adding a second time in the afternoon and some days have acheived that. I can tell when I miss that time. Those are the days when things are really hard to handle. That time of silence and contemplation does not mean I don’t have the pain and anxiety, but it does provide me the proper center from where I can work through them better than when I am uncentered. That is another part of this: I want to find and instill better ways of handling my feeling states than either depression or medication.
I have to keep reminding myself that this process of breaking out of the swamp of unfeeling is not going to be as simple as I want it to be. No quick fixes, folks. The only way through is to allow the dungeons to be opened and cleared. The only way to health is to get the manure out in the open where it can lose its toxicity and can become the ground for a new fruitfulness in my life.
This Lent we are trying an experiment at our church. It has been a while since they have had any kind of special Lenten studies or services. Due to my then denied depression I was not able to find the way to start one last year. But this year since I am no longer denying my denials, I have the creative energy to do something new this year. So last week we had the first Ash Wednesday service in a number of years. I was glad to see about 40 people come for that service.
Then last night we had the first in a series of studies that I am putting together on Finding your Own Spiritual Way. Another good turnout for the experiment. And quite a few people expressed appreciation for the time we spent. If there is any kind of interest, I might put the outlines up on a link from here.
In dealing with a depression that is based on an aversion of rejection and a sense of failure, it is nice to have a good experience. Now I need to remember that.
Over the last week I have taken the opportunity to share with a few friends and colleagues about my dythymic (chronic) depression and how I had started treatment. So far almost all have been very supportive and interested in listening (which is a very good thing). A few actually expressed some surprise. They confessed that they hadn’t seen me as particularly depressive. I was thinking some more about that and realized that most of the time I am able to find the energy I need to do the events in my life or to respond to various crises.
I can find the energy to preach even if I am very tired afterwards. If someone is in the hospital I am able to be “on” for the time that I am in the room. Where I have trouble is with “ordinary time.”
Ordinary time in the church year is the time in between festivals or particular times of the remembrance. For example, we are currently in ordinary time between Epiphany (January 6) and the start of Lent. It is a helpful reminder that not all of life (in fact most of life) is common, just an ordinary day.
That is where I find my depression really stopping me. The in between time is when the fog is visible and when the lulls and lows are hard to get out of. It is in the ordinary spaces of my life that I find myself wondering and doubting my usefullness and my worth so I stay in the shadows and hide until the next event comes up that needs me to step into the center of things and “do my thing.”
However, what eventually happens (and that is what broke me through my denial) was when the shadows encroach on the events that I used to depend on to give me a reason to think I’m worth having around.
Depression is greedy. It will not be satisfied until it consumes everything. I hope that I have at least stopped the advance and can begin to reverse the course.
Since this is another ordinary day, it is harder to see it, but at least I am saying it. By faith it will become reality. Sometime soon I hope.
I love to have clear days like this. As I said yesterday, they do come and then they go. It is like the fog lifting and one can see things that are going on. I can actually feel the fog. It is a dull sense that leads me to want to slow down my movements because my thoughts are slower.
I think I might be starting to adjust to the medication. This is the first day that I didn’t feel real fatigued in the morning (which is when I take it). By mid-afternoon I needed a little rest period, then I was good to go until now (10:30 p.m.).
I think another part of the adjustment is to deal with my anxiety in a new way. If it is true, as I was writing yesterday that the dysthymia is a response to an almost constant state of lurking anxiety, to address the chemical imbalance, I must reduce the inhibiting chemicals in my brain. So I will feel more anxious until the balance is restored. That means that I will have to accept that my life will be a bit more fearful for a while and that I need new coping mechanisms to that anxiety. I began to see that yesterday and had to keep choosing to let myself get anxious and that it was okay.
Maybe I need to make one of those movie disclaimers for my life as I try to move toward wholeness.
No Davids were harmed in the making of this Whole Person.
Sounds a bit hokey, but who knows, it may help.
I think it helped today. Hopefully tomorrow will also be a good day, but it is better to be grateful for this one day and let the next day unfold on its own. Tomorrow is a full day: 2 services to preach in the morning, then the whole afternoon teaching a lay speaking class. I will be very tired tomorrow night.
Another day needing grace.