… about my wife. For the last year she has been working to keep the front of the church decorated with different things to enhance the visual atmosphere of our worship. This is a picture of what she did during Advent/Christmas with the pointsettias.
No this isn’t a prediction post where I try to guess what kinds of things will happen this year, or even whether or not I think it will be a better or worse year. I figure that I will leave those kinds of things to God, and just learn to trust that in the good and the trying that the presence of God will get us through it.
This is a bit more local.
When we were trying to come up with ministry themes for the two churches I serve for our annual Charge Conferences I was dry. I was feeling discouraged with the whole idea of “programming church.” For years the people in these congregations had tried all kinds of programs to stimulate their growth and not a whole lot happened lately. We were also going through some trying times where some deep interpersonal issues were beginning to crack through the surface of our vision, so the idea of trying to cover them up with some sort of distracting program did not appeal to me.
What did appeal to me was to choose only one ministry goal: to spend at least the first six months with focused emphasis on prayer, in preaching, small groups, and in meeting times.
As I start to figure out how to do that, I am a bit scared. Who do I think I am trying to teach on prayer? I am no spiritual master, and my training in spiritual direction only reveals to me how little I (or anyone else) can know about prayer. And if I want to preach about prayer, will I find enough interesting material to cover 6 months worth of sermons. My initial thoughts were that I could come up with a couple months and then it would be hard.
So today, we went to visit family. The trip is about 2 and half hours each way and Linda drove the first way (so I could drive home in the dark and the rain). I grabbed one of my little yellow pads and started jotting down ideas for prayer related themes and thoughts. Here is my paper.
Looks like my problem now is having too many ideas to choose from, or taking more time to expand the focus. I would rather have that problem.
I was checking out my blogroll and saw that Richard Hall quoted Darryl Dash. Here is a taste.
connexions » Something is Wrong
As I listen to people, I get the sense that almost everyone agrees something is wrong in the church.
A must read!
I must say that I have been struggling with that myself for quite a while. As I discuss things with people, I think this sense that something is wrong lies at the heart of my lingering depression and spiritual ennui. I love God and I believe God has called me to love the church, but I cannot get excited about “doing” church the same way anymore.
This is along the same lines as my recent writing about spiritual gluttony. We are program obese Christians who have become focused on producing results in the only way we know how: multiplying programs. I am sometimes frustrated, sometimes confused and mostly saddened when I think about what we are about and how we are the church. When we had to come up with our ministry goals for next year I proposed scrapping them all and having one goal for next year: spend the first 6 months learning and experiencing prayer as individuals and as a congregation. That’s it. Sure the normal things will happen, but I am hoping something different comes out of it.
The difficulty is that this is uncharted territory for me (us). All I know now is that I have a lot of questions and the sands of our journey show no path.
I know there are many more questions in this struggle. I also believe that there are many people who are able to live within that tension. I have not found the way to do that yet. I keep looking and praying and waiting.
We have been watching first with disbelief and then sorrow at the story coming from the Amish community in Pennsylvania. A story of deep illness that reaches out and touches children with death and infects a quiet community with grief beyond our imagination. How would we feel? How would we react? At what point do we set aside the words of Jesus and at what point do we set aside our own anger and hurt?
Then we have watched as a community of believing people do the unimaginable. They hold onto their hurt, but allow their anger to be transformed into forgiveness and compassion. Whatever we think about the backwardness of the Amish culture, here we see them being examples to all of us who call our selves Christian. They have embraced the family of the man who brought this pain into their core. And I even read today that they attended his funeral.
That is all I want to say at the moment. What I really want to do it point you to an excellent blog post that says it so much better. Go ahead, click and read; pray and live.
Ben Witherington: Lessons from the Amish– the Power of Pacifism
As I was preparing for preaching today on James 3-4, I found myself noting some modern-day idols that it is easy for us to fall into. But first the text:
Who is wise and understanding among you? Show by your good life that your works are done with gentleness born of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not be boastful and false to the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, devilish. For where these is envy and selfish ambition, there will also be disorder and wickedness of every kind. (James 3:13-16, NRSV)
Sadly, I have to say that it looks like today we are living out this upside-down wisdom that is born of death and leads to dying. We take pieces of the truth and focus on them out of proportion to balanced wisdom.
This state of being out of balance goes both ways. I think we can idolize something by either over-blowing its importance or by undervaluing its necessity for an integrated life. For example, if we consider the Great Commandment to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength we can see that balance God desires for us as an integration of all parts of our created being to be worthy of praising and serving God.
When we actively idolize the intellect, we throw the whole scheme out of balance and project the idea that it is only through the intellect that we properly serve God. Thus we set people up for failure if they are not scholarly to think they are worthless to God. On the other hand, we cannot live out an allergy to the intellect. That form of reverse idolatry is the same obsession with the mind, but in different colors. There we are tempted to degrade and deny part of the good creation of God by denying that it is possible to use our intellect for God’s glory. So we must avoid the idol of intellectualism and it’s obverse, anti-intellectualism.
Another idol is success. OK, I know I am talking heresy now in our mega-church, mega-burger, mega-war, mega-whatever society. Yet, haven’t we allowed our desire for success to overshadow the fruits of wisdom in James? We are willing to do and say anything in order to be successful in what WE think God’s wants us to look like. I serve two small churches and we have struggled with how to grow and how to be successful. We look at programs that guarantee us success for the kingdom. I get email and junk mail for training events that will help our church to succeed in reaching out to any generation name you can think of. We have even tried a few things, but in the years I have been here and the many years before when others have tried programs, the situation remains the same. Lately, I have been wondering if we have made the mistake of defining success for the church on our terms (meaning in the terms of our success-obsessed society) instead of listening to God’s desires for us. Does God love us less because we aren’t “Big” and “successful?” Can God love us more if we were those things? I believe the answer to both of those questions is No. So how have we gotten stuck making an idol of success and allowing that to interfere with our living out the love of God in Christ and in us?
The last one I scratched on my text processing page is the idolatry of the short-term. Everything must have immediate gratification for us. One of my struggles with prayer have been the dry times. I have times when in the time for prayer, I sense the presence of God. And my prayers become easier and joyous. Then prayer will be dry. No sense of the Holy. No fluttering of angel wings. No quickening of the heart, or flow of God-energy. So my short-term eyes think something is wrong. I wonder if I have erred in my technique, or have offended God. I have caught myself seeking the idol of my feelings about God rather then the true presence of the God who decides how to make the Divine Presence known.
This is a faith journey. How can I pray without the eyes seeing God’s presence? The same way I pray when God chooses to gift me with that sense: humbly, with gratitude, and faithfulness. I was sharing this with my spiritual director and he said that sometimes prayer is like working the reception desk at a business. You must put in the time because you do not know when you will be needed. And as you give God the time and space to come to you, you will be ready when that gift comes. Maybe this is what waiting with expectation is all about. Sitting in prayer knowing that while we do not sense God’s presence, we know and believe that God is just as present with us when we are dry as when we are dancing in the rain. God has Eternity Eyes. There is no short-term bias with God. When it is time, it is time. We must be careful not to allow our idolatry of instant gratification close our hearts to the wisdom of God’s eternal perspective.
This is a post that has been simmering for quite a while. One of the things that I have heard from folks when I first started sharing about my journey through chronic depression (dysthymia) was “what can we do to help?” Whenever that is asked, my mind goes temporarily blank and I can’ think of anything. But over time, I have recognized some things that would help me the best. So I am going to share some of them.
I have called this the Care and Feeding of This Pastor, because I do know for sure that these things would help me and that is all I can know for sure. Yet, I have a feeling that these things would be valuable for others as well. And since in many places October is Pastor Appreciation Month, this might offer some ideas for folks.
First, Marc Driscoll, the pastor of Mars Hill Church in San Francisco, shared these statistics:
Pastors
- Fifteen hundred pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in their churches.
- Fifty percent of pastors’ marriages will end in divorce.
- Eighty percent of pastors and eighty-four percent of their spouses feel unqualified and discouraged in their role as pastors.
- Fifty percent of pastors are so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could, but have no other way of making a living.
- Eighty percent of seminary and Bible school graduates who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within the first five years.
- Seventy percent of pastors constantly fight depression.
- Almost forty percent polled said they have had an extra-marital affair since beginning their ministry.
- Seventy percent said the only time they spend studying the Word is when they are preparing their sermons.
Pastors’ Wives
- Eighty percent of pastors’ spouses feel their spouse is overworked.
- Eighty percent of pastors’ spouses wish their spouse would choose another profession.
- The majority of pastor’s wives surveyed said that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry.
Those are sobering statistics for sure. Marc goes on in the article to talk about some things that pastors and their families can do (some very good thoughts), but I want to turn to those who want to support the pastor and their families. I am addressing this to someone asking how to care for This Pastor.
Throw Away The Pastoral Mold
This is a big one and it is more attitudinal than action, yet a shift in attitude can affect your relationship with your pastor immensely. I know you have had some great preachers in your life, you have experienced some excellent teachers. You have also had some pastors active with youth, with older adults, and in visiting everybody in church. The problem is that those were all different preachers who you have rolled into one Mold of the Pastor.
There is no such thing as the Perfect Pastor. We are not made out of a mold, each one with identical gifts and strengths. We are each created and hand fashioned by the Holy Spirit and our experiences in life.
So, please take an interest in finding out what my strengths are, and the experiences that have formed my faith and ministry. Listen for my perspective on life and Scripture. And while I have aligned myself with the doctrinal standards of this church that doesn’t mean I view it with the same colors and textures (interpretations) as my colleague in the other town or in a magazine or newspaper article.
If that is true for me, that is more true for my family. My children do not fit the mold of “Preacher’s Kids” unless you force them into that place, so I ask that you don’t do that, and allow them to grow into the particular images of God that God is forming them to be. And my spouse? Trying to force the pastor’s wife/husband into a stereotyped understanding of that a pastor’s spouse is supposed to be is disrespectful and hurts.
So, appreciate us for who we are, and not how any other pastor’s family might be.
Make a Personal Connection
That leads right into this one. Befriend us.
Many parts of the depressive side of pastoral ministry (see statistics above) keep returning to isolation from relationships. I don’t want to embarrass you by telling you how few people have invited us out for a social gathering in the years that we have been here. But I can count them on one hand.
We are regular people. We have a job and a role to play in our community, but beyond the role we are plain and simply human beings with hopes and dreams, pains and desires. We like to have fun and we also want to have friends we can trust when we need friends we can trust.
So invite us over for supper, or ask us to go to a movie. We like to play cards or other games, do you have a card club? ask if we are interested (I love 500). We have received gift certificates for restaurants before and that is great to be able to go out and have a date with each other. Yet, what would be better would be to take us out to dinner. You get to show appreciation to us as well as have a chance to get to know us.
Oh, and if you do want to get to know us, please don’t make it a quasi-pastoral visit. You know, “we are having some problems and if we invite the pastor’s family over maybe they can help us.” Understand, we will come and we will help as we are able, but we can tell. And while we can’t help but talk about church business, lets see if we can fast from church business so we can just spend time truly getting to know each other.
Care for Us and Pray for Us
This is an important one. The best help I receive with my stress, or depression, or anxiety, or whatever is having someone stop by and simply ask how I am doing. Then sitting to listen ith interest, but without judgment of even a lot of advice (I don’t need fixes, I need support). And then respecting the confidence and trust I place in them.
Each part of that is important. It is a great relief to be able to say to someone, “I’m really worn out.” For many stresses in my life, there are no simple solutions. For many tasks on my list, many of them are mine to do, but to know that I am not facing them alone brings new energy and renewed vitality. Sometimes I do need a nudge, but a loving nudge, not a put down or discouragement.
And I am sorry to say that there have been some people who I have shared struggles with who have shared that conversation with others. That makes it very hard to both trust that one personally and in ministry together. It also makes it more difficult to trust others; there are only so many times one is willing to get burned.
Oh, and if you want to care for my wife? Ask her how she is doing. She needs the personal touch as much, if not more than I do. I am the one who learns the names faster and hears the stories more, so it is easy for her to feel even more left out and isolated. I tell Linda that the only expectations I have for her as This Pastor’s wife is to be herself and to love the Pastor. That’s it. Please care for her in the same way.
We are not Super-beings
Here is another attitude check. Usually, many of those pastoral myths that I hear about and bump up against is the one about the one who works tirelessly caring for all people in every place and at all hours of the day. These fantastic beings are able to attend all meetings, visit everyone (no matter how far away the hospital is) and is still able do all the reading, study, paperwork, sermon preparation, and have full office hours for people to call or stop by. Oh, and they always look awake and alert and are impeccably dressed.
Well, I might have exaggerated that description a bit, but unfortunately, not by much. Those pastors who try to hold to that image of perfection and functioning do it at a cost. A human cost. I know of pastor’s spouses and children who came to hate the church because of that toll of time. For many of you, time with your family is very important and you pick and choose activities to allow you time to do that (if it isn’t, we need to talk). So why can’t you allow me the same opportunity to value my wife and children and spend time with them? True, I need to learn to say “No.” You also need to accept my answer sometimes.
Another cost for me is energy. Marc Driscoll in the post linked above talks about “filling our [energy] plate” Some people have a lot of energy for being active and personable. Others, like me, have smaller plates for that ministry work and need more time for recharging and reflection. I have literally damaged my health at times by pushing myself too far and too hard. And a big part of my own chronic depression stems from those times and never fully recovering from the emotional cost of ministry.
Another cost is for the church community. If the pastor is overfunctioning by being involved in everything and by doing too much then that leaves little room for talented and gifted people in the church to follow God’s call for their ministry. Sadly, there are too many congregations that have fostered under-functioning among the members for so long, it is very hard to break out of the lethargy that underfunctioning brings. Yet, God is in the work of raising the dead, not in granting super-powers.
Have a Problem? Bring it to me, please
Unfortunately, since I don’t have super powers and I am not perfect and I am only human, I will miss things. I will make mistakes. I will make choices that you might not agree with. If so, come and talk to me first. Don’t complain to my wife. Don’t grumble to the church secretary, the Bishop, the DS, or even the chair of the personnel committee until you have talked to me first. And if anyone else decides that they want to grouse about me, don’t even listen until they have brought their concern and issue to me.
This is basic human respect in my book. By taking an issue to anybody and everybody other than the person who is at the heart of the issue accomplishes nothing except spreading a lot of negativity throughout the community, the church, and other relationships. Maybe the issue is a simple misunderstanding that can be cleared up simply in a one to one conversation. Or maybe I need to be nudged (remember, lovingly) into something that I need to be doing, but if you don’t tell me, I cannot know what I can do differently. And even if we disagree on something, we can at least take the time to listen to one another and at least understand the other person a little more clearly.
The alternative is for me to hear about something through the gossip chain. That’s uncomfortable at the least and frustrating and hurtful at the most. Once something gets out there, nothing can be done to change it. Another alternative is for me to be sitting in a board or committee meeting and hear a list of problems that have been heard. That form of ambush is very painful, raises my defenses very quickly, and breaks trust and respect in the relationship.
But this is not only the way I think it should work in my book, Jesus lays out the same basic steps in Matthew 18:15-19.
Summing Up
I know this is a bit longer than usual, but I needed to get some of these things out. Notice that all these things have to do with being in right relationship with one another. My wife and I are Christians first who are just trying to live our lives as God intends each of us to live our lives. The role of pastor is one role within the church where all of us are called people with our God-given roles. Caring for us is still person to person, loving one another.
Consider the question of who cares for the pastor and family? If the pastor is there to care for the members of the church, someone has to care for that person. Who? I believe the caring flows back from the congregation. We are given one another to care for. I care for you in my way and God invites you to care for me and my family in your way. Together we can do it.
I just returned from a 5 day directed retreat, just in case you were wondering where I was. It was a good time. Not really rested, but definitely some new views of God and my relationship with God that will keep me busy for a while. I think I will just drop a few random thoughts before I go to work on tomorrow’s sermon.
It is hot here in Iowa. (One bank sign I saw today said 96, I think I will wait to cut the grass when it is cooler.) So in celebration, I shaved and decided to join the emergent church pastor’s look (I have noticed that almost all the male pastor’s who have been profiled on Locust and Honey have that goatee look). I haven’t shaved my beard in 20 years, so this is going to take some getting used to.
The site of my retreat was a small Benedictine monastery where 2 nuns live and one of them does spiritual direction (and is a licensed massage therapist). They treated me very well, even if I did have to eat off a card table in the retreatant’s dining area (so they wouldn’t bother my reflection and my presence wouldn’t bother them.)
It has been a long time since I just sat and listened to the rain. They received three inches of rain my first day there and since there was no lightning, I sat on their screened in back porch and listened to the falling rain while reflecting on some Psalms about the care of the God of Creation. Way cool.
The last night I was there, we had a thunderstorm. I tried to get pictures of lightning with my digital camera, but instead was able to get a few of a double rainbow. I thought that was a good lesson for life: often we are looking for the flashy, exciting things but God gently provides hope in the storm instead.
Did you know it takes a while to go through about 200 emails that accumulate over the course of a week, especially when you want to spend time with a dear wife who you haven’t seen for five days and a lovely daughter you haven’t seen in three weeks. They are more important then the emails and the blogs to read.
I understand while I was out of touch with the world a new war has started with the Israeli army sadly taking notes from our Iraqi war playbook and using the threat of attack as a good reason to invade both a treaty created Palestinian land and now Lebanon. I do pray for peace in Israel and the whole area, but the leaders of the nations need to help by not breaking peace at the slightest hint of fear. I mourn the loss of peace and reason in that place where the Prince of Peace came to bring healing. Ironically, tomorrow I will be preaching on Ephesians 2:11-22 (I know I am a week ahead of the lectionary) where Paul talks about Christ coming to be our peace and to bring an end to hostility in the name of god (lower case intentional, I do not believe that God any longer wants wars fought in that Beloved Name).
I was wanting these random notes to be fun, but that one just spoiled it, didn’t it.
I better stop before I think of something else that isn’t fun. Hopefully something will come later.
This quote from M. Scott Peck (via Arthur Silber; hat tip to John Amato):
Once again we are confronted with our all-too-human laziness and narcissism. Basically, it was just too much trouble. We all had our lives to lead–doing our day-to-day jobs, buying new cars, painting our houses, sending our kids to college. As the majority of members of any group are content to let the leadership be exercised by the few, so as a citizenry we were content to let the government “do its thing.”
My first question is when did Dr Peck write these words and in what context?
He wrote that as part of a task force of psychiatrists who investigated on behalf of the Surgeon General the context of the soldiers who participated in the My Lai Massacre in Viet Nam in March of 1968. Arthur Silber brings the quote up in considering the situation that has led to the killing of Iraqi citizens in Haditha and other events that are sadly all too similar. I will leave to your own judgment whether or not Silber supports the similarities between what is happening in various places in Iraq today with what happened in My Lai.
I want to apply Peck’s quote in a couple other places though that while they are not part of such disastrous events as Haditha or My Lai, they are still situations for us to be concerned about.
One is the state of citizenship in our country today. All too often, we are too content to do just the day to day things that concern us directly that we are willing to surrender the larger issues to others without a thought until it is too late. Then when we are awakened to things not being right, we then too often spend al of our energy seeking others to blame. Because if we can find others to pin the failing on we can more quickly go back to our stuporous shells and not change our style of living in any way.
I confess that too often I have chosen that sort of apolitical-apathy because it is easier, simpler and not very messy. I am learning that building that kind of personal levy only hides the problems in our world and society until my protection is broken down and I am awash in what others have created.
Yet can I really blame anyone else for that? No, I have to accept responsibility for my flight from appropriate responsibility. When I stop paying attention, when I stop asking questions, when I stop thinking about issues, I will be brought to a place where I no longer have choices and options and opportunities. I have lost my freedom by failing to live the stewardship of freedom. I think I am a long way from being a full-time activist citizen, but I am beginning the journey toward responsibility by opening my eyes to the issues that events that are really a part of my day to day life.
Doubt that those things matter? Consider the price of gas you put in your car. There is no simple answer to why they are that high, but I am convinced that a series of smaller decisions all along the way by governments (ours and others), businesses, and individuals (including me) have all cascaded into the current price of gas. What is next?
The other situation where I want to apply Peck’s quote (hopefully appropriately) is the local church.
I will boldly say that one of the biggest problems facing the church in the United States (and possibly everywhere) is that we have accepted the idea that it is the job of the leaders to do the work of ministry in the church. (There are some churches that are truly alive who have learned that and are changing that self-contained culture.) Could this way of thinking be a part of why leaders (clergy and lay leaders) burn out? drop out? act out? or simply go through the motions of life devoid of vitality?
I will just leave that question with you.
I believe it is true. Our troubles in our local churches can be turned around as leaders and members accept the idea that we are all a part of what the church is doing.
The difficulty and the challenge is that it is usually only the leaders who will hear the idea and see it and want it to happen. Sadly, many of the others will just find someone to fault for the troubles we see.
I ran across this website and have added to the site to my links. Go check it out, this is too funny.
Timble.me.uk – Cartoons – Large image
We have recently started passing the peace in worship and people are enjoying it immensely. That cartoon shows that. While you are there check out some of his other cartoons.
He claims the spiritual gift of cartooning. I am sure Paul would gladly add it to the list for him.
“…and it is Us.” – Pogo
It is hard enough for Christians to live out Jesus’ words “Blessed are the Peacemakers” in our society today with many leaders linking uncritical support of war with the message of the church. It is difficult enough for us to practice forgiveness and respect (not to mention love) for all of our neighbors when we struggle with our own interpersonal hurt and pain. We even find it more of a challenge when we and our children are desensitized to violence through news, television, movies and secular video games. Now we have to try to preach the Prince of Peace with the name of Christ being used to justify a fantasy world based on the old Inquisition idea of convert or die. I found many references to the following story in my blog-reading today.
Imagine: you are a foot soldier in a paramilitary group whose purpose is to remake America as a Christian theocracy, and establish its worldly vision of the dominion of Christ over all aspects of life. You are issued high-tech military weaponry, and instructed to engage the infidel on the streets of New York City. You are on a mission – both a religious mission and a military mission — to convert or kill Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, gays, and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state – especially moderate, mainstream Christians. Your mission is “to conduct physical and spiritual warfare”; all who resist must be taken out with extreme prejudice. You have never felt so powerful, so driven by a purpose: you are 13 years old. You are playing a real-time strategy video game… Talk To Action | The Purpose Driven Life Takers (Updated)
Frankly, this is pretty sick. There is a part of me that is hoping this isn’t true, but there is another part of me that is afraid it is.
I am ashamed that there are people who created and who will promote this in the name of Christ and will mess up many people’s view of what the rest of us in the church are trying to do to bring the transforming and healing grace of Jesus to a hurting world.
The tragic irony of the premise of this game is that the very kind of religious based hate and persecution that is promoted in the game is what is condemned in every other part of the world by non-Christians. We see it in Iraq with the sectarian civil war there. We see it in Israel and Palestine. We hear about it in Indonesia or Chad or Sudan or anyone of dozens of places in the world. As long as it is against Christians we cry out in anguish. But by embracing the idea of this game the world sees Christians as having no integrity and no righteousness.
And they will not believe anything we now say because some have usurped the name of Christ for personal and political power and gain.
I am angry and deeply saddened. God weeps for the Church that thinks this is gospel, good news. It isn’t.
Here are some other blogs I have seen who have commented on this. I can see how the true message of Christ is being lost.