Denying Denying
Jesus called the crowd with his disciples and said to them, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” –Mark 8:34, NRSV
Okay, I confess I have struggles with ideas such as surrender, denying myself, and even following. So today’s reading from Sacred Space was a bit soul rattling. It isn’t an earth-shaking concept at all. I just struggle with it. Part of the struggle comes from being an Enneagram 8 which is very much afraid of others controlling our lives. Yet, I think this is a struggle we all have as we work out of and through our sinful, self important orientation to life.
Face it, we all go through life trying to get everyone and everything to serve our best interests. We become masters of manipulation. We mold our image and the situation so we become the winner. We have even found ways to make doing good things for others into a way that we get payback. Control is a major issue for all points in the enneagram not just the Eights where we excel at it.
Right now, the hot zone is my spirituality. I say that is a good thing because that signals me that there is where my growing is most active and part of me doesn’t want to budge. I haven’t been able to name that part yet, and may never identify the persona inside me that is leading the resistance. I don’t need to be able to understand what is happening in order to proceed with the growing and healing. (seeking to understand is the control issue for the Enneatype 5, my stress point)
Back to denying. One of the fears of the call of Jesus in Mark 8 is that it opens up life to vulnerability, to weakness, to loss, even to emptiness. For quite a while, John 10:10 has been a calling point for me: the gift of life abundant. But here Jesus lays out a different path of life and growth, one of lessening not abundance. I have naively associated abundance and the fullness of God’s presence with the image of the rich feast where all our hearts desires (as we define them) are laid out for our joy.
However, lately, the experience of the abounding presence of God has been more desert then lush forest. It’s been about emptiness and sparseness than rich color and luxury. So the invitation to a life of denial is another string of this surprising path God has been leading me on.
The surprise has been enlightening.Once I get past the initial reaction of ache to the void and emptiness that seems to surround and fill me I find more there than I expected. The clutter and the noise recedes and instead of nothingness there is everythingness. Last year, I set as my personal Purpose statement to “Behold the ab0unding Presence of God.” I am discovering that as I move into this spaciousness of grace within that this Gloriousness is more visible. When I turn off the noise and allow the many voices to quiet and recede that it is becoming easier to hear the whispers of the Beloved. And my protests of fear and control and success and judgement and “look at me, look at me” now show themselves to be my small attempts to fill the void thinking It was what I truly feared when the Lover found in that space is truly my heart’s desire.
A struggle yes. Yet, I am soo far along the path to turn back now and I find myself actually more intrigued the further I walk along this desert path. Besides if I try to retrace my path, I can’t. The desert winds have blown away my track. I have little choice but to follow the pillar of glory that is changing it all.
