We were shocked to hear of the fire Saturday night of this historic Church. The pastor is a friend and will soon become our District Superintendent.
The worst part is that today they are saying it might be arson.
Back to the Sayings of the Desert Fathers [Benedicta Ward, trans, Cistercian Publications, 1975]. Today’s reading comes from Abba Ammonas. Ammonas was a disciple of Abba Anthony and later became a Bishop.
What caught me about this reading was those hard days: the moments and seasons in life when it seems like everything comes only through struggle.
Some brethren found life difficult where they were living. Wanting to leave, they came to find Abba Ammonas. He was out on the river. Seeing them walking along the bank of the river, he asked the sailors to put him ashore. Then he called the brethren, saying to them, ‘I am Ammonas, to whose dwelling you are wanting to go.’ Having comforted their hearts, he sent them back whence the had come, for this difficulty did not arise from sickness of soul, but simply from natural annoyance. [Ammonas #5, p. 26]
I found this a strangely comforting saying. One of the things that has been real frustrating with my moments of spiritual growth and my wrestling with depression is the sense that the struggle is a sign that something has to be wrong with me. If the life of the Spirit is supposed to be full of peace and joy then the absence should be a symptom that I am not walking in the Spirit. I think that might be the struggle with those brethren in the story. Life is difficult, something has to be wrong with us, since it is all of us it must be the place, let us leave. I’ve exercised that logic before.
Yet, what Ammonas reminds them and me is that life sometimes is simply hard. We experience seasons of the spirit just like the world around us. Sometimes there is easy spring and dying fall. Sometimes our days are as warming as the height of summer and as isolating as the deepest snowstorm. I wonder if much of the time I chose frustration and failure when I was just living one of those naturally annoying days. They come, they will go. We wait them out and trust the presence of God’s Spirit until the Son shines again.
Obey
That is a hard word for me. I think it is a hard word for many of us. We value independence highly. I know I value it. Give me a class to teach and I will rearrange the lessons and do them my own way. I am also realizing that a major part of my depression symptoms are related to resistance of losing control. So for me to seriously contemplate obedience is a challenge. Yet that is what I have found myself doing a lot lately.
And it this thinking and especially the word from Dorotheos that has been foundational to my participation in the process that will lead me to be reappointed to a new United Methodist Church this summer after only 3 years in my current parish.
Here is the word from Dorotheos of Gaza that actually led me to read more of his writings:
For it is the craft of the evil one to prevent submission with faith in every circumstance and, through faith, a state of certain security. It bars you from obedience with tranquility, and from travelling without danger, or wandering from the road laid down by the Fathers. … no longer will you want certain things to happen, but what is happening will be the thing you want and you will be at peace with all. [Dorotheos of Gaza, Discourses & Sayings, Eric Wheeler, trans, Cistercian Publications, 1977, p. 239]
Earlier in the book, he takes a related view of the life of faith.
But as we have given up the great things let us give up the little things; as we have renounced the world, so let us give up passionate attachment to it. For through certain small and worthless things our inordinate desires bind us again to the world without our realizing it. [p. 88]
A man denying himself in this way comes little by little to form a habit of it, so that from denying himself in little things, he begins to deny himself in great without the least trouble. Finally, he comes not to have any of these extraneous desires, but whatever happens to him he is satisfied with it, as it if were the very thing he wanted. And so, not desiring to satisfy his own desires, he finds himself always doing what he want to. For not having his own special fancies, he fancies every single thing that happens to him. This he is found, as we said, to be without special attachments, and from this state of tranquility he comes to the state of holy indifference. [p. 89]
So what does this have to do with the United Methodist appointment process and my moving this summer as part of that?
After much prayer last fall, I expressed a desire to stay in my current situation. It wasn’t easy, but at the time, I was seeing some wonderful things begin to happen within the church and I wanted to be a part of seeing them grow and continue. That was my desire.
Since January I have been doing a lot of preaching and reflection about prayer and the importance of prayer being a way for God’s desires (God’s will) to inform and transform my own desires and choices. Every time we say the Lord’s Prayer we say that we want our lives to align with God’s desires in the world. As I reflected on that, I realized that we only give lip service to the whole idea of obedience to God and obedience to any one else who has rightful authority over us.
In the United Methodist system, there aren’t a lot of times when authority is exercised directly unless you step over the wrong line. We value the freedom of the pulpit as long ethical integrity is maintained. However, the system of appointment making is one of those mechanisms that we accept in our vows as the ordained when we enter that ministerial order. I know for many years I have heard colleagues complain about the oppressive control over them that this brings. So the system has been tweaked to allow clergy and churches a bit more control over where and when they serve, yet, those voices are still only consultative. The Bishop and appointive Cabinet are still the ones who have the control.
So when I received the call during Holy Week inviting me to a new appointment, I found my prayers leading me back to Dorotheos. There are strengths and weaknesses to my current appointment (that I know of) there will be strengths and weaknesses to any new appointment (which I will need to learn anew). I could have simply run the numbers of size of church, size of benefit package, or even the size of the parsonage and made the decision based on those standards. Yet, that seemed to be focused on seeking what I want to have happen, and my own desires. In the end, my choice came down to being an obedient member of the communion of clergy in the Iowa Annual Conference.
I am reluctant to write those words because they sound a bit braggy. But I am not seeking to feed my own pride in this choice. If anything, I write it to remind myself that I move into the new position not out of the sense that I will do great things there, but that I need to come as one who seeks to remain obedient to the will of God and needs to continue to seek God’s desires no matter what happens here, there, or wherever God’s Spirit leads me next.
I am also finding that this four letter word is not as odious as I thought. It is even becoming related to another four letter word: love.
Seems a bit odd to think I need to mark something as just personal, but I feel I need to do that here.
We announced this last Sunday that the Bishop has appointed me to serve the First United Methodist Church in Emmetsburg, Iowa beginning July 1, 2007. Let the packing begin.
In a couple days I will catch my breath a bit and get back to the desert fathers (in fact there is one directly related to the decision to move, but I misplaced the book).
A couple weeks ago, I made first contact with Dorotheos of Gaza. He was a 6th century monk and teacher that was best known while he resided in the communities around Gaza. His major theme was humility and I am finding a number of stimulating and challenging ideas from him. So I will be pulling out a few quotes from him before I move on to another desert mystic.
One of his surviving discourses was directed towards those who were put in charge of a community. A major part of this discourse deals with how to correct a member of the community.
Never separate yourself from the holy example of Christ, who said, “Learn of me for I am meek and humble of heart.” First make a point of acquiring a peaceful state of soul, so that correction is given not out of pretended righteousness or for the pleasure of rebuking, but as a duty performed for the sake of love and cleanness of heart. Building up your brother in this way, you shall hear a voice saying to you, “If you extract what is precious from what is unclean, you shall be compared to my own voice. (Jeremiah 15:19)” [Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings, Eric Wheeler, trans, Cistercian Publications, Kalamazoo, 1977, page 239]
There are quite a few points in this quote that is worthy of reflection as I consider being a leader in church, a teacher, a pastor, and as a spiritual director. The words about giving correction out of “pretended righteousness or for the pleasure of rebuking” caught me right between the eyes. It is so easy to go around with my own sense of pride that tells me that I know how things must be done, that I so easily derive a little bit of pleasure at putting some people in their place. “After all, I am the seminary-trained pastor here.” I have to remember that Jesus rebuked the people of Jerusalem with sadness and grief not pride and power.
However, the part of the quote that is more inspiring in its challenge is related to his paraphrase of Jeremiah. The image of extracting or mining what is precious from a soul that is broken or wayward in sin and temptation is a very healing image for ministry, and especially the ministry of directing others toward righteousness. How can I see through the surface grime in a pride-filled life and help that other person see and reveal the precious child of God within? That indeed is a holy challenge and a Christ-filled endeavor.
Yet, as the soul miner we are really seeking what God has done and is doing in the life of another. If God by grace keeps on calling to the lost sheep, then we need to honor God’s compassion with our compassion.