Not going Quietly
A couple months ago, I wrote that little postit note and stuck it up near my desk. It was an expression of frustration and an attempt to get something going in my psyche. Something akin to energy. It has remained as a rally call, trying to muster up some anger energy to not sink into the swamp again, to not accept this gray as the inevitable conclusion to life and such. It had moved off to the side lately and I had forgotten it was there until the other day. I saw it and realized I was allowing myself to sink again.
There has to come a point when I have to say “No” to the force of gray and darkness and open my life up to the “Yes” which is life. I guess I have to acknowledge that I have to keep choosing that “Yes.” I don’t have to accept the depression, but I do have to accept the idea that depression is always just around the corner trying to tempt me into the fog of not caring about life. That isn’t a cure all, but until I realize that, any cures will be temporary and the pride of “being healed” will only set me up for surprise.
Earlier this week, we had a leadership orientation for the church (because of snow we only had 8 people come). I was introducing the idea that we need to have a time for prayer at board and committee meetings. One of the passages I used to support that idea was Psalm 127:1-2:
If God doesn’t build the house, the builders only build shacks. If God doesn’t guard the city, the night watchman might as well nap. It’s useless to rise early and go to bed late, and work your worried fingers to the bone. Don’t you know he enjoys giving rest to those he loves? [The Message]
As I caught myself in the middle of a no-energy day this week and trying to decide if giving up was really the best thing to do, these words came to mind. It reminded me that while I have things to do seeking healing in my life, they must follow the cry to God for God’s presence. With that presence, the other healing tools become powerful. I had been trying to do it all on my own again (that old control, not need any help from anyone trap).
No magic in that moment, but a step in the direction of God’s healing touch.
My little sign is back in front of me to remind me to never give up to the existing gray of depression, but to surrender and trust the God of the full color life.
January 28th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Depression really does suck- I struggle with it too, and am currently on meds and taking one day at a time… but one thing that helps is walkng- I throw myself out for a walk most days- it has been really good for me.
Peace and blessings
may your life be filled with colour.