Seeking to (again) tame the Chaos
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006Sorry for not being very communicative lately. I am hoping to renew a rhythm of reflecting and posting in the next few days. This is a personal saga so you don’t have to read.
So whence the chaos?
A combination of personal factors have left me arid in thoughts to write about, well sort of. This has not been an unproductive time, as I have collected seeds of ideas on my scattered pieces of 5 1/2 X 8 1/2 yellow paper. I haven’t been able to sit down and allow the seeds to grow. Of course we have the natural chaos of the Christmas holiday season, both in preparing for, worshiping through, and sharing with family. It was an enjoyable celebration season, now comes the cleaning up and the regathering energy.
I became ambitious and moved furniture in my home office. Not too long ago, I moved it from a small room upstairs to a big room in the basement. After using it for a while, I realized I did not choose the best place for it. So I moved it. The cost? I still have 3 boxes of stuff that is waiting a usable home. I have a lower back that has been reminding me constantly that I am 48 and half and I need to be careful moving furniture now.
Oh, did I mention a nasty head cold that left me without a full voice (a tragedy for preaching and singing) and developed into bronchitis (that I don’t think completely went away).
My journey through depression has taken an interesting turn, and it too is a factor in the chaos. I have been getting better. The counseling and spiritual direction has been laying bare some important clusters of thought, attitude, and emotion that led to the failure factor. By not running away form them (much) the failure factor has been diminishing enough to begin to cut back on the medication (step one). This brings a whole new set of stresses and coping mechanisms that need to be reinstated or remade to keep the reality in place. That is good and not so good. Not so good in the sense that the waters are stirred up and the silt swirls with chaos, but good, because the waters are stirred up and the silt has a chance to wash down the stream. This is good in that 30 year old crap is being unearthed, moved out and allowed to air itself toward fertility instead of toxicity, bad because other resistances (old and new) are needing to discovered, explored and integrated into life.
The nice thing is that I know that while Chaos will never be completely removed from my life I am able to sort through it and tame it for a while … again … and again … and again.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
