A Labyrinthine Journey

No this isn’t a prediction post where I try to guess what kinds of things will happen this year, or even whether or not I think it will be a better or worse year. I figure that I will leave those kinds of things to God, and just learn to trust that in the good and the trying that the presence of God will get us through it.

This is a bit more local.

When we were trying to come up with ministry themes for the two churches I serve for our annual Charge Conferences I was dry. I was feeling discouraged with the whole idea of “programming church.” For years the people in these congregations had tried all kinds of programs to stimulate their growth and not a whole lot happened lately. We were also going through some trying times where some deep interpersonal issues were beginning to crack through the surface of our vision, so the idea of trying to cover them up with some sort of distracting program did not appeal to me.

What did appeal to me was to choose only one ministry goal: to spend at least the first six months with focused emphasis on prayer, in preaching, small groups, and in meeting times.

As I start to figure out how to do that, I am a bit scared. Who do I think I am trying to teach on prayer? I am no spiritual master, and my training in spiritual direction only reveals to me how little I (or anyone else) can know about prayer. And if I want to preach about prayer, will I find enough interesting material to cover 6 months worth of sermons. My initial thoughts were that I could come up with a couple months and then it would be hard.

So today, we went to visit family. The trip is about 2 and half hours each way and Linda drove the first way (so I could drive home in the dark and the rain). I grabbed one of my little yellow pads and started jotting down ideas for prayer related themes and thoughts. Here is my paper.

Looks like my problem now is having too many ideas to choose from, or taking more time to expand the focus. I would rather have that problem.

This afternoon I was trying to let go of the thoughts in my monkey brain in order to center and be present to the Presence. For a few moments I was getting frustrated (some other thoughts that successfully counter silence), then I remembered reading someone write that prayer is a gift.

That helped me to relax and release the frustration at least (the monkey thoughts were still racing around trying to grab my attention).

The idea of prayer as gift took on two dimensions in my reflection later (counter-productive to reflect on a thought about releasing thoughts in the midst of the time to release thoughts in silence). One dimension is the idea that prayer is a gift of God to us. It is not something that we can manufacture. While there are some techniques that one can learn, proper techniques do not make prayer. If a big part of prayer is the living connection with the presence of God then we cannot command God, we can only place ourselves in a place of openness and willingness and wait for God to choose the means of that presence. Sometimes that gift is the quieting of the monkey brain, sometimes that gift is the quiet in the midst of the squealing attention seekers in our heads and hearts. And then there are the times when the awareness of the gift must wait, but our waiting is the gift.

The other dimension is that our prayer is a gift to God. I give up on the idea of prayer as duty. I am less happy with the teachers of vocational prayer (it is our work). If prayer is about relationship, then we come to God not out of sense of having to, but because we love to, we want to, we desire to. If our coming to God is gift then it becomes more precious to us and to God.

And who wouldn’t rather give/receive a gift regularly to someone you love than to just show up and do your job?

I would.

And I think God would also.

Sorry for not being very communicative lately. I am hoping to renew a rhythm of reflecting and posting in the next few days. This is a personal saga so you don’t have to read.
So whence the chaos?

A combination of personal factors have left me arid in thoughts to write about, well sort of. This has not been an unproductive time, as I have collected seeds of ideas on my scattered pieces of  5 1/2 X 8 1/2 yellow paper. I haven’t been able to sit down and allow the seeds to grow. Of course we have the natural chaos of the Christmas holiday season, both in preparing for, worshiping through, and sharing with family. It was an enjoyable celebration season, now comes the cleaning up and the regathering energy.

I became ambitious and moved furniture in my home office. Not too long ago, I moved it from a small room upstairs to a big room in the basement. After using it for a while, I realized I did not choose the best place for it. So I moved it. The cost? I still have 3 boxes of stuff that is waiting a usable home. I have a lower back that has been reminding me constantly that I am 48 and half and I need to be careful moving furniture now.

Oh, did I mention a nasty head cold that left me without a full voice (a tragedy for preaching and singing) and developed into bronchitis (that I don’t think completely went away).

My journey through depression has taken an interesting turn, and it too is a factor in the chaos. I have been getting better. The counseling and spiritual direction has been laying bare some important clusters of thought, attitude, and emotion that led to the failure factor. By not running away form them (much) the failure factor has been diminishing enough to begin to cut back on the medication (step one). This brings a whole new set of stresses and coping mechanisms that need to be reinstated or remade to keep the reality in place. That is good and not so good. Not so good in the sense that the waters are stirred up and the silt swirls with chaos, but good, because the waters are stirred up and the silt has a chance to wash down the stream. This is good in that 30 year old crap is being unearthed, moved out and allowed to air itself toward fertility instead of toxicity, bad because other resistances (old and new) are needing to discovered, explored and integrated into life.

The nice thing is that I know that while Chaos will never be completely removed from my life I am able to sort through it and tame it for a while … again … and again … and again.

Tomorrow will be a good day.