This is a post that has been simmering for quite a while. One of the things that I have heard from folks when I first started sharing about my journey through chronic depression (dysthymia) was “what can we do to help?” Whenever that is asked, my mind goes temporarily blank and I can’ think of anything. But over time, I have recognized some things that would help me the best. So I am going to share some of them.
I have called this the Care and Feeding of This Pastor, because I do know for sure that these things would help me and that is all I can know for sure. Yet, I have a feeling that these things would be valuable for others as well. And since in many places October is Pastor Appreciation Month, this might offer some ideas for folks.
First, Marc Driscoll, the pastor of Mars Hill Church in San Francisco, shared these statistics:
Pastors
- Fifteen hundred pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in their churches.
- Fifty percent of pastors’ marriages will end in divorce.
- Eighty percent of pastors and eighty-four percent of their spouses feel unqualified and discouraged in their role as pastors.
- Fifty percent of pastors are so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could, but have no other way of making a living.
- Eighty percent of seminary and Bible school graduates who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within the first five years.
- Seventy percent of pastors constantly fight depression.
- Almost forty percent polled said they have had an extra-marital affair since beginning their ministry.
- Seventy percent said the only time they spend studying the Word is when they are preparing their sermons.
Pastors’ Wives
- Eighty percent of pastors’ spouses feel their spouse is overworked.
- Eighty percent of pastors’ spouses wish their spouse would choose another profession.
- The majority of pastor’s wives surveyed said that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry.
Those are sobering statistics for sure. Marc goes on in the article to talk about some things that pastors and their families can do (some very good thoughts), but I want to turn to those who want to support the pastor and their families. I am addressing this to someone asking how to care for This Pastor.
Throw Away The Pastoral Mold
This is a big one and it is more attitudinal than action, yet a shift in attitude can affect your relationship with your pastor immensely. I know you have had some great preachers in your life, you have experienced some excellent teachers. You have also had some pastors active with youth, with older adults, and in visiting everybody in church. The problem is that those were all different preachers who you have rolled into one Mold of the Pastor.
There is no such thing as the Perfect Pastor. We are not made out of a mold, each one with identical gifts and strengths. We are each created and hand fashioned by the Holy Spirit and our experiences in life.
So, please take an interest in finding out what my strengths are, and the experiences that have formed my faith and ministry. Listen for my perspective on life and Scripture. And while I have aligned myself with the doctrinal standards of this church that doesn’t mean I view it with the same colors and textures (interpretations) as my colleague in the other town or in a magazine or newspaper article.
If that is true for me, that is more true for my family. My children do not fit the mold of “Preacher’s Kids” unless you force them into that place, so I ask that you don’t do that, and allow them to grow into the particular images of God that God is forming them to be. And my spouse? Trying to force the pastor’s wife/husband into a stereotyped understanding of that a pastor’s spouse is supposed to be is disrespectful and hurts.
So, appreciate us for who we are, and not how any other pastor’s family might be.
Make a Personal Connection
That leads right into this one. Befriend us.
Many parts of the depressive side of pastoral ministry (see statistics above) keep returning to isolation from relationships. I don’t want to embarrass you by telling you how few people have invited us out for a social gathering in the years that we have been here. But I can count them on one hand.
We are regular people. We have a job and a role to play in our community, but beyond the role we are plain and simply human beings with hopes and dreams, pains and desires. We like to have fun and we also want to have friends we can trust when we need friends we can trust.
So invite us over for supper, or ask us to go to a movie. We like to play cards or other games, do you have a card club? ask if we are interested (I love 500). We have received gift certificates for restaurants before and that is great to be able to go out and have a date with each other. Yet, what would be better would be to take us out to dinner. You get to show appreciation to us as well as have a chance to get to know us.
Oh, and if you do want to get to know us, please don’t make it a quasi-pastoral visit. You know, “we are having some problems and if we invite the pastor’s family over maybe they can help us.” Understand, we will come and we will help as we are able, but we can tell. And while we can’t help but talk about church business, lets see if we can fast from church business so we can just spend time truly getting to know each other.
Care for Us and Pray for Us
This is an important one. The best help I receive with my stress, or depression, or anxiety, or whatever is having someone stop by and simply ask how I am doing. Then sitting to listen ith interest, but without judgment of even a lot of advice (I don’t need fixes, I need support). And then respecting the confidence and trust I place in them.
Each part of that is important. It is a great relief to be able to say to someone, “I’m really worn out.” For many stresses in my life, there are no simple solutions. For many tasks on my list, many of them are mine to do, but to know that I am not facing them alone brings new energy and renewed vitality. Sometimes I do need a nudge, but a loving nudge, not a put down or discouragement.
And I am sorry to say that there have been some people who I have shared struggles with who have shared that conversation with others. That makes it very hard to both trust that one personally and in ministry together. It also makes it more difficult to trust others; there are only so many times one is willing to get burned.
Oh, and if you want to care for my wife? Ask her how she is doing. She needs the personal touch as much, if not more than I do. I am the one who learns the names faster and hears the stories more, so it is easy for her to feel even more left out and isolated. I tell Linda that the only expectations I have for her as This Pastor’s wife is to be herself and to love the Pastor. That’s it. Please care for her in the same way.
We are not Super-beings
Here is another attitude check. Usually, many of those pastoral myths that I hear about and bump up against is the one about the one who works tirelessly caring for all people in every place and at all hours of the day. These fantastic beings are able to attend all meetings, visit everyone (no matter how far away the hospital is) and is still able do all the reading, study, paperwork, sermon preparation, and have full office hours for people to call or stop by. Oh, and they always look awake and alert and are impeccably dressed.
Well, I might have exaggerated that description a bit, but unfortunately, not by much. Those pastors who try to hold to that image of perfection and functioning do it at a cost. A human cost. I know of pastor’s spouses and children who came to hate the church because of that toll of time. For many of you, time with your family is very important and you pick and choose activities to allow you time to do that (if it isn’t, we need to talk). So why can’t you allow me the same opportunity to value my wife and children and spend time with them? True, I need to learn to say “No.” You also need to accept my answer sometimes.
Another cost for me is energy. Marc Driscoll in the post linked above talks about “filling our [energy] plate” Some people have a lot of energy for being active and personable. Others, like me, have smaller plates for that ministry work and need more time for recharging and reflection. I have literally damaged my health at times by pushing myself too far and too hard. And a big part of my own chronic depression stems from those times and never fully recovering from the emotional cost of ministry.
Another cost is for the church community. If the pastor is overfunctioning by being involved in everything and by doing too much then that leaves little room for talented and gifted people in the church to follow God’s call for their ministry. Sadly, there are too many congregations that have fostered under-functioning among the members for so long, it is very hard to break out of the lethargy that underfunctioning brings. Yet, God is in the work of raising the dead, not in granting super-powers.
Have a Problem? Bring it to me, please
Unfortunately, since I don’t have super powers and I am not perfect and I am only human, I will miss things. I will make mistakes. I will make choices that you might not agree with. If so, come and talk to me first. Don’t complain to my wife. Don’t grumble to the church secretary, the Bishop, the DS, or even the chair of the personnel committee until you have talked to me first. And if anyone else decides that they want to grouse about me, don’t even listen until they have brought their concern and issue to me.
This is basic human respect in my book. By taking an issue to anybody and everybody other than the person who is at the heart of the issue accomplishes nothing except spreading a lot of negativity throughout the community, the church, and other relationships. Maybe the issue is a simple misunderstanding that can be cleared up simply in a one to one conversation. Or maybe I need to be nudged (remember, lovingly) into something that I need to be doing, but if you don’t tell me, I cannot know what I can do differently. And even if we disagree on something, we can at least take the time to listen to one another and at least understand the other person a little more clearly.
The alternative is for me to hear about something through the gossip chain. That’s uncomfortable at the least and frustrating and hurtful at the most. Once something gets out there, nothing can be done to change it. Another alternative is for me to be sitting in a board or committee meeting and hear a list of problems that have been heard. That form of ambush is very painful, raises my defenses very quickly, and breaks trust and respect in the relationship.
But this is not only the way I think it should work in my book, Jesus lays out the same basic steps in Matthew 18:15-19.
Summing Up
I know this is a bit longer than usual, but I needed to get some of these things out. Notice that all these things have to do with being in right relationship with one another. My wife and I are Christians first who are just trying to live our lives as God intends each of us to live our lives. The role of pastor is one role within the church where all of us are called people with our God-given roles. Caring for us is still person to person, loving one another.
Consider the question of who cares for the pastor and family? If the pastor is there to care for the members of the church, someone has to care for that person. Who? I believe the caring flows back from the congregation. We are given one another to care for. I care for you in my way and God invites you to care for me and my family in your way. Together we can do it.
