Breaking Out is Hard to Do
Thought I would bring a little update on my depression watch. It has been almost 5 weeks now since I began treatment for dysthymic (chronic) depression and I can tell that things are changing, but I can also tell that there is so far to go.
Since one of the affects of depression is the suppression of feeling my emotions that is the part where I can see the affects of the anti-depressant. I am starting to feel things again. And I have to keep telling myself that that is a good thing, because-as I feared-the emotions that I have begun feeling are the ones of pain and especially anxiety. Monday I had an appointment with my counselor and she somehow didn’t get notice of the appointment time change so she wasn’t there. I was already feeling anxious about talking about things (normal) but that seemed to heighten the anxiety. So I was trying to drive around town doing a little shopping while trying to calm my breathing and the knot in my chest. Within a couple hours I was able to face the stumbling block of that anxiety, get home, and give myself some space to find calm.
So is that good or bad? It feels bad, but I am seeing it as good. If my depression flows from and is amplified by my attempts to avoid my pain and anxiety that means that to break the depressive cycle, I am going to have to feel and somehow embrace the pain and fear. The lesson learned that day is that I felt it and survived.
What that also tells me is that the antidepressant is starting to work, but that it is not yet a strong enough dose to provide the brain resources to deal better with the pain and anxiety. Time to call the Dr. I suppose.
Another thing that tells me is the importance of sticking to my spiritual disciplines. Right now my only spiritual discipline is a time of centering prayer in the morning. I have been working on adding a second time in the afternoon and some days have acheived that. I can tell when I miss that time. Those are the days when things are really hard to handle. That time of silence and contemplation does not mean I don’t have the pain and anxiety, but it does provide me the proper center from where I can work through them better than when I am uncentered. That is another part of this: I want to find and instill better ways of handling my feeling states than either depression or medication.
I have to keep reminding myself that this process of breaking out of the swamp of unfeeling is not going to be as simple as I want it to be. No quick fixes, folks. The only way through is to allow the dungeons to be opened and cleared. The only way to health is to get the manure out in the open where it can lose its toxicity and can become the ground for a new fruitfulness in my life.
