The “Only the Pastor” Syndrome
One of the struggles I have been having lately (again) is with the whole loss of self-hood that many times accompanies ordination. I’m sure you’ve seen or experienced it before. The situation where you become ordained and you suddenly lose your first name: for many people I will only be Pastor Morris and never David. At one level I am just fine with that. I will allow people to choose the level of relationship with me that they are most comfortable with. Yet, I always want some people in the church to get past the role label and see me also as simply a person who has something to do in the church, but that the person (my Self) is always more than the title I hold and the role I play in the life of the church.
One of the drawbacks of the “Only the Pastor” syndrome is that I am now not allowed to be human. I cannot make mistakes, I cannot have struggles, and I cannot be “off.”
That is one factor (not the biggest mind you, but one nonetheless) in my acceptance of being back in the world of the depressed. (Saw the Dr today and started anti-depressants and will start with a pastoral counselor in the morning.) The expectation to always be in the role of the Pastor means that I have to play out a drama of denial in most of my interaction with people. If I cannot be human with people in the church than where can I find the network of emotional support that I need to stay out of or to recover from being depressed.
In my experience, depression is at its heart a disease of denial and avoidance. The path out of it is through acceptance and facing the pain, the grief and the fear that I have been actively hiding from and not acknowledging as part of my life. I have actually had people tell me that they see the pastor as someone who because of their spiritual life have become immune to any kind of spiritual, emotional or even physical weakness. And that they depend upon the wholeness/holiness of the pastor to take care of their own weaknesses and struggles. That person was at least honest with that sentiment, but I have experienced many people who think that but cannot say it quite that clearly.
So, the pastor must play the role of always being together and always being strong and always being assured and hopefilled. Yet, I am only human, and nothing magical happens at ordination. No imputation of extraordinary immunity in any realm of life. A recognition and the passing on of authority to bring the message of hope and faith to a people who are seeking that hope as a person who is also seeking and wrestling with that hope in his or her own life.
Fortunately, all it takes is a few people in each church to give this pastor back his humanity. And those people take a while to find. So I hope and pray and I seek to trust in God’s provision more fully.
