A Labyrinthine Journey

Somehow our conversation turned to the history of movements of God within the church. Seemingly out of nowhere a fresh outpouring of the energy of God’s Spirit and Grace will change the terrain of the church. Yet it doesn’t energize and capture the imagination and support of everybody. Some would jump on board and be a part of that emerging gift of God, yet some would strongly resist any change in what they believed and how they expressed their faith. Each group would be convinced that they were a part of what God was doing and each would be convinced that the other is no longer with God’s program.

The history of Israel, the prophets, Jesus and his ongoing challenges to the Pharisees and Scribes, the desert mystics and the growing institutions, the split between Eastern and Western Church, the emergence of Luther, Calvin, Wesley, and the Anabaptists as parts of the Reformation movements, the Social Gospel movement, the Tent Revivals, the mission movement, and now the liturgical/spirituality/postmodern emergent church movements followed by whatever is next.

It seems like each one of those movements of God within the church go through the same cycle: breakthrough, energizing renewal, triggering resistance, then establishment and incorporation, only to have a new movement breakthrough in that stream and repeat the same pattern.

What is going on with that?

As our discussion continued, I had the image of the videos I had seen of the Hawaiian lava flows (someday I hope to actually witness this). Beneath the surface of the earth the liquid core of the earth is moving and keeping this planet alive mostly unseen. yet from time to time that molten energy would breakthrough the surface, cutting through the crust of the rock and want/need to go somewhere. If there was great resistance, then we had a volcanic eruption with widespread affect not only at the site of the explosion but through the ash cloud and the accompanying earthquake would have an affect beyond that locality. If the resistance was low (resistance is never absent) then a new river of lava would break out and run toward the sea. Along the way, this living river of energy would swallow up and transform everything it touched. Old structures would be overcome by what will become a new ground of being for those who live in that place. As the liquid rock pursues its course it would cool and new rock would remain and especially if it made it to the sea new land would be created. With more cooling houses and businesses would be built not on the sand but now on new rock. When one flow plays itself out, new ones would spring up in new places and the cycle would continue.

So how might this help us as we care for and seek the welfare of the Church of God?

In our discussion, we found it offering a longer view of what God might be doing among us, inviting us to appreciate and to trust in God’s grace in newer ways. I believe in both scenarios the gifts of God are real: the fresh energy of the outpouring breakthroughs as well as the solid grounding of the existing structures and ground. For the planet as well as the church to be alive we need both the solid forms upon which to stand and build our lives and faith as well as the indwelling fire of God to give those forms vitality. God’s Spirit is present in each of those gifts.

Where we get stuck is when we get overly attached to either the existing structure of rock or institutional form that we do not recognize and celebrate God’s new work to keep the Church alive. So the institutions we live within are not wrong in and of themselves, but when we turn our structures and forms into idols they become barriers in our lives and in other’s lives to the Living God. The idolatry pendulum swings the other way, too. We can become so enamored by the freshness and excitement of each emerging movement of the Spirit that we can forget that God’s grace is just as present in the lives of those who resist as that Love is present in us who are doing the pushing.

What is essential for each one in this great living work of God is that God is present working in both God’s patient way and in God’s expanding work.

Can it happen? One can only hope.

Well, that is what I am hoping to come up with as I go through all this preparation.

As I first tried to chart my course for digging deep into the Enneagram I looked for a conference or some sort of training to go to as my Continuing Education for the year. I found a couple interesting trainings out there and decided that I was interested in Helen Palmer’s Enneagram in the Narrative Tradition training (still am actually). However, the cost was beyond what my budget would allow me to consider at this time. Actually, the cost of any of the training courses was beyond my budget.

So that meant Independent Research (translated: read a bunch of books).

One thing I noticed as I researched what books to use for research was that there were some pretty distinct schools of thought amongst Enneagram authors and teachers. And amongst those schools of thought there was little love lost. I actually found that somewhat ironic (and familiar). Amongst authors and teachers of a tool that is meant to help guide us beyond the pettiness of the personality and a limited view of reality, I saw the power of pride and prejudice that led to factions and animosity (and lawsuits). I had to laugh: where else in my life have I experienced people who seek to gather together for the betterment of the world and people in the world descending to petty battles and entrenched attitudes that detract from and almost nullify the source of the movement? Anyone? You in the back-yes, the Christian Church is the correct answer … sadly.

Well, I am a bit of an ecumenical Christian having lived and been influenced by major schools of Christian thought: Baptist, Calvinist, Wesleyan, Quaker, Roman Catholic, Orthodox, contemplative, socially active, spirituality based, even a touch of pentacostal. So I have been trying to gather from the wide variety of perspectives on the Enneagram that I can. Many of those are listed on my blogroll in the sidebar. Soon I will post a list of the major sources just to help me keep track.

One thing I have found is that while I have a number of books and articles that lay out the personality traits and activities associated with each Enneagram type (Riso and Hudson, Rohr), I am most drawn to those books and authors that go down to the roots of the Enneagram and the development of the personality fractures and traps (Almaas and Maitri). The value is that I don’t have to focus on memorizing a lot of lists and ideas without a context to put them in. What I find myself doing is finding the bedrock and laying the foundations that will make it easier to remember the details and even go beyond anyone’s lists to see type and then to respond to type.

This is parallel to my work with spirituality. With my wide experience with different families in the Christian tradition it would be so easy to get lost in the detail and I think the church has truly got lost in the details substituting a focus on the form of our faith while losing sight of the substance of our faith. Spirituality is one of those foundational and ecumenical activities that can (if we can let go of the schools of thought divisions) provide a path to be a part of God’s healing the church (mission and service are another one of those foundational and ecumenical activities that can unite).

Well, enough behind the scenes posting. My next one will begin to focus on the bedrock I am building my foundations on.

Sorry to have dropped off the face of the Blogosphere, I have been occupied in a big endeavor: digging into the Enneagram. The presenting reason for that immersion in the 9 types, the circle, the triads, the lines of interconnection, and a tool for spiritual discernment is that I am going to lead a Day Apart with the Enneagram for our Annual Conference in November. Before, I was a beginning student of the Enneagram, but to teach? I realized I needed to be more than a beginning student. So I have been reading and sifting and considering and wrestling and whatever else one does with new typologies. It has been a good thing. Now I am more into the sifting and percolating process of understanding things so I have some time. Besides what better place to let ideas steep is to write for an audience. I keep seeking a way to find my blogging niche and this might be a place to start.

But before I get into what I am learning about myself and others through the enneagram, I wanted to tell my story of the Enneagram.

It started about 6 years ago while going to our Conference’s Pastoral Counselor to try to deal with a long term depression that both became part of the reason for a divorce and was also triggered by that event. At one point she mentioned that I might get something out of the Enneagram. She didn’t know a lot about it at the time, but had this intuitive idea that it would help me. So I stopped at a bookstore on the way out of town and bought a book on the Enneagram. I did the test that was included and thought I would be a Type 9: a Peacemaker. I liked that, it helped me some, but I didn’t find it all that earthshaking, just interesting.

A year or so later, I had remarried and we were moved by the Bishop to a new parish. Also at the time, I followed the sensed call of God to begin training as a Spiritual Director. I found a training program within an hour of my house in association with Creighton University in Omaha. Dr. Wendy Wright was the teacher for the first year as we looked at the history of Christian Spirituality. I loved it. Two characters in that history really stirred things within me: Ignatius of Loyola (on spiritual discernment) and Evagrius of Pontus. With Evagrius I also captured a deep appreciation for the Desert Mystics. I found in their writings a resonance with the process of spiritual growth and formation that I was sensing and observing. Now 4 years later I still feel that.

I wrote a research paper on Evagrius and his schema of Eight Thoughts. Those thoughts became the seed that eventually became the Seven Deadly Sins and their associated Seven Christian Virtues. But for Evagrius those Eight Thoughts were traps for anyone who sought to develop a Christian Spiritual relationship with God.

After that first year, I kept reflecting on both Evagrius and Ignatius as I began to try out Spiritual Direction. They are still very helpful. Then in the third year of the course, we had a Spiritual Director couple lead a class session on the Enneagram. I still typed myself as a Type 9 and still found it interesting.

However, what really got me interested in the Enneagram at this time was the correspondence between the Nine types of the Enneagram and Evagrius’ Eight Thoughts. They were the same, plus one. So I started paying more attention to the Enneagram and seeing how it might help.

Right after that class and for a few months before we were moved again by the Bishop, I went to one of them for Spiritual Direction. We had more in depth conversations about my Ennea-type. We came to the conclusion that I had mistyped myself. I liked the idea of being the Type 9, but we agreed that I was actually a Type 8 with a strong Type 9 wing. (If you don’t understand that, don’t worry, it is only marginally important for this post).

I did not like that at all. (Which is actually important, because that is a sign that we were probably right on). The Type 8 is the Challenger, the Dictator, the one who needs to be in Control. I did not like that because I knew a couple pastor’s growing up who would fit that description and I endeavored my whole life to not be like them at all (another clue that this typing was right). This triggered a major crisis in my spiritual life as I wrestled with the idea of accepting who I really was and what my traps and strengths were. It took quite a bit of time for me to get to that point. Once I did, that freed up a lot of spiritual energy. I found myself coming back to the Enneagram information again and again going deeper each time into my own type.

That continued for a year or so. Then, at a Spiritual Direction Retreat I kept bringing up thoughts and insights from my reading and reflections on the Enneagram. Out of that retreat, our Conference’s Pastoral Counselor asked me if I wanted to share those insights at a workshop on the Enneagram for the conference. In a moment of weakness/faith I said yes. Then I started digging into the reading.

That is my story, now to start sifting through all those ideas and lets see what I can share with you all as I practice and prepare.

A short night last night … up late prepping for a funeral … up early to be ready for same.

I don’t often remember my dreams, but this one must have flashed across my dream screen just before my alarm went off.

I had just finished doing something at the church (that even is pre-dream-memory) and was leaving to head home when an older woman in the church stopped me outside the door.

In front of us was on old blue enamel electric stove. I knew it was old, but it looked in fairly good shape. As we stood there and looked at it, she asked me if I thought I could fix it. “Could you renew this old stove?”

I didn’t even think twice about it, and answered, “If we have the parts, no problem.” Then we walked away.

That’s it. That is the snippet I remember, and my instinct tells me it is significant. My reflection leads me to consider why I see myself to be here in this place in this time … to plug in the parts that will renew the congregation so it will can again be a church that “cooks” with the presence of God.

I am reaching the end of my first 15 months here … not even halfway through my first 1000 days, but I find myself going deeper and deeper into a journey of faith and spirituality and inviting the congregation to come along for the adventure God has for us. One thing that has been amazing and wonderful is how many people seem to be hungering for that journey. Older members and younger families are searching and asking questions and wondering themselves what God wants them to be doing with faith and life.

My Spiritual Direction training is definitely helpful in providing a groundwork for what I preach and teach. My lengthy foray into the Enneagram lately has also incredibly deepened and broadened my ministry far beyond my expectations.

So I do see myself here to help the process of renewal and there are many who are showing their readiness. I hope I also keep in perspective that I don’t create the renewal … God is the source … my part is to help find the places to plug in the gifts of renewal that God supplies. It is exciting to have even that part to play.

During my last session with my Spiritual Director he wondered if the story of Elijah at Horeb (1 Kings 19) was one that might be significant in my life. That question took me back because I hadn’t though of that story for a long time, but it is one of those stories that keeps returning to challenge my journey.

Elijah had just completed what we could say was the high point of his ministry: the triumph over the priests of Baal and the end to the long drought. You would think that at that point he would feel most assured and confident of his life and ministry, but he swung from the height to the lowest depths of his life. He became terrified. Not only did he run away in fear, but he even wanted to give up on life. That has been, to one degree, a parallel for me. It is not that unusual for me now to see that after a real good worship service or a great meeting or day of ministry that within days I will find myself weary of soul, as if nothing great had happened. The swings aren’t quite so wide now as they used to be, probably because I recognize the process. I don’t necessarily enjoy it, but I see it as a familiar pattern.

It is a pattern that makes a certain amount of sense from a spiritual growth and faith perspective. It would be so easy to get so caught up in the highs of the experience of God’s active presence that our faith gets twisted away from the presence of God to the actions of God. Our faith then becomes grounded in the experiences and the spectacle. What happens when the adrenaline fades and the emotional energy dissipates? Our faith becomes shaky and so we get anxious and go seeking or even creating the experience that we miss. Maybe we go from retreat and conference to retreat and conference seeking to stay on the mountaintops of our experience. Or maybe as a leader we become very skilled at manufacturing the emotional energy to keep that high for ourselves and for our followers. People love to go where the excitement is visible.

Yet, that so easily becomes a trap. A trap that Elijah got caught in for a time. A trap that trips us all.

We can easily grow to love the creation, the action, the experience, or the gift more than we love the Creator, Lover, Giver.

I can easily imagine Elijah thinking that since he has triumphed over the prophets of Baal that everyone would see the superiority of the power of God and things would be good from now on. When that did not happen and Ahab and Jezebel actually become more intent on killing him, his faith in the experience was shaken. So he retreated.

What I think is marvelous is that God graciously aided his retreat. God recognized that Elijah needed to go through his wilderness (real and emotional) for true faith to be brought through him. That is what happened. Elijah was reoriented to the real presence of God so that he could return to his work with the right God-energy.

I think that is another aspect of the encounter at Horeb. Where do we expect to find God if we are oriented to the experience and the expression of God’s presence? We would “know” God was in the wind, or the earthquake, or the fire. We feel we need that verification of God for faith in God to be strong. Yet, the writer is clear: “the LORD was not in the wind/earthquake/fire.” We get sucked into that when we think God is more present in a spectacular worship service or in an experience of healing or in a big mega church or some wonderful ministry experience. Yet, does that mean that God is less present in between worship service? Does that mean that God is less present in the small churches with only a few dozen people present? Does that mean that God is less present in my life when I am tired, or questioning whether or not God is present?

“and after the fire a sound of sheer silence. When Elijah heard it he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Then there came a voice to him that said, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’” - 1 Kings 19:12b-13, NRSV

This is the Elijah question that keeps returning to my journey, especially in those times when I am trying to escape or retreat. What am I doing here? I, like Elijah, have a long list of rationalizations for being there. And the wonderful thing is that God never condemns, the response is always, “Go.”

When I get to the Elijah question I find that I have sorted through the dross of the experiences and I am again ready to see that God is the presence that I seek. I again and again am brought back to the primacy of the Creator/Redeemer/Sanctifier as the ground of my being and the source and end of my journey.

Did some thinking last night about renewing and reorganizing the blog. So here it is! Can you tell the difference?

Probably not.

I am intending it that way. Our society is very image conscious. We look primarily at the form of things and the packaging. You want to renew your product in the marketplace? Don’t change it, just change the name, or change the package. Put out a new ad or begin a new advertising campaign. It sounds kind of silly, but companies do it because it works.

The other thing we can get caught up in doing is changing structure or role titles. Corporations somehow buy the idea that comes from consultants that a new chart, or a new name for the same job will actually make things better and smoother. You don’t change the people or how they actually do the job, but a new name makes everything better. That too sounds kind of silly, and we who are in management find ourselves caught in the trap.

The Church is not immune to that. We change titles and structures and try new church growth programs thinking that is the answer. We then find it doesn’t really work so we think that we need to keep on trying new things and changing things until we somehow find the right package for the church and the ministry.

I think we get caught in that trap because what is really needed in our churches and our spiritual lives is deep down transformation, we could even call it conversion. We have to change the way we view our reality and we have to surrender our lives to be changed by God’s transforming Spirit. We have to allow God to change the substance of our lives.

I’ve been doing a lot of study in the enneagram lately. One of the biggest things that comes through my reflection on that tool is how all pervasive the ego is - the Sin Self that wants to remain in control. All the change in forms and packages and images are all things that the ego can maintain control over. They are all activities that we can spend money and time and energy on which on the one hand fools us into thinking we are doing something good, but on the other hand fools us into thinking we doing something good. (think about that a moment)

The Spirit is always calling us to go past the package and find in the depths of our soul the still small voice of God inviting us to a daily faithfulness. God doesn’t want spectacle. God wants our living.

So my reorganization of the blog will not be a change in the look, but comes as a new commitment on my part to have these writings be a part of my daily faithfulness. If anything, I want to be more focused on what is the substance of Abundant Life that God is calling us each to be a part of.

Sorry I haven’t been very faithful in posting lately. There have been a lot of areas of my life and ministry that I have been seeking clarification on and looking for a new perspective on.

This blog is one of those areas that I am wanting to renew with a more focused purpose. So hopefully soon I will be back.

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

I found this wonderful poem by Dawna Markova at inward/outward from her book of the same name.

This is one of those that demands to be printed out and placed just about everywhere I might sit and reflect on life. Maybe especially in those places where I go along taking life for granted. That is probably the perennial challenge for each of us: to stay awake to the life that we are living. Life goes on with or without our awareness, we just miss it. God is present whether or not we remember that truth. Therein lies grace.

Yet how much more full our lives can be if we forget God’s abounding presence less so we might relish in that delight? How much more can our lives be as we are mindful of love in every form God blesses us in?

Time to go live life for a while.

So what are you doing for your Lenten discipline this year? I find myself getting more interested in this question than the whole New Year’s Resolution question. On Ash Wednesday morning I made this commitment:

For Lent, 2008, I will set aside two blocks of time for sabbath-type activity. Each block will be at least 30 minutes, with a target of 45 minutes. Activities will include, journaling, a daily examen of consciousness, devotional reading, lectio divina, tai chi movement, or centering prayer.

I know it is only the third day of Lent, but I have already followed through and missed a step. The morning times have been easier since I have been working more lately on starting the day in a God conscious way. The evening times are the greater challenge.

I missed last night. Another new day, another day to seek to behold God’s presence again. It is is hard to be truly fogiving of non-judgmental of myself while still recognizing my failings and my sins. I could easily just simply dismiss my missing the time as if it is no big deal, but that would deny the importance of my intention, my time, and my promise. However, the old way of responding by mentally beating myself up and casting my self as an utter failure doesn’t do any good either.

As I consider a response, the image that comes to my mind is practicing music and rehearsing a song. I hit a wrong note, I don’t come in at the right time, or something about my playing doesn’t fit the composition (too loud, too soft, etc). So what do I do? Do I through my bass on the floor or kick the stand across the room or give up the whole idea that I can ever play music at all? Getting frustrated and hating or condemning myself doesn’t help, in fact it prevents me from ever really learning to play the music in its fullest.

So what do I do in practicing? I notice the missed note or botched entrance. Maybe I mark the music to remind myself the next time. I then go back over the part and practice it again. Maybe I will need to go more slowly to figure out the fingering or the rhythm. I might have to sit down at the piano or ask the director and accompanist to play my part for me so I can hear the interval I am missing. I shake it off, and keep on practicing. By renewing my attention to the music and by patiently working on the sticky parts (yes, there will be other parts that need attention) I will learn the piece.

Might the spiritual disciplines be similar? I miss something that is important for me to do to express my yearning for God or I get sucked back into my disobedient mode. I notice it by confessing, writing, or sharing the carelessness and disappointment with a trusted companion. Then I accept the grace of God that has simply been waiting for me to return to the embrace of Divine Presence and renew the time.

I don’t know about you, but without thinking about it, my office space can quickly become overrun and unmanageable. The piles of papers seem to multiply overnight and the notes pop up in strange places so there is less and less space for me to use. And I know that without attention I easily lose wonderfully creative ideas somewhere. That usually continues until I finally pay attention, then once I get past the feeling of being overwhelmed I have to face the situation. Over time I have learned that when I get to that point, I just have to begin someplace and persist in choosing to keep up with that area until there is space again for work.

I see the season of Lent in much the same way. Without really thinking about it we so easily clutter up our lives with many things that just fill up our soul space. Sometimes it shows up on our calendars: we find ourselves running from one thing to another thing and then we have so many things that we think would be wonderful to do and before we know we have no time for friends, family, or God. Then other times we find our hearts overwhelmed with worries and fears that leave us tired and weary, so there is nothing left to even think about other people in our lives or to even begin to consider God’s presence.

So for me, Lent is about Making Space. We are offered the opportunity to stop and see how our lives have been filled with distractions and spiritual clutter that our souls are choked up with the weeds of the junk of the world around us. One meaning of salvation is that God by grace gives us room to move and freedom to live and grow. Yet, we must begin somewhere in responding to our soul messes. We cannot do it all at once nor can we do it all by ourselves, but in Lent we can make the choice to allow God’s Spirit to get started in clearing out the spiritual clutter.

So the Lenten question becomes “What clutters up my life leaving no room or energy to love God or to love my neighbor?” Take a look at your schedule, what can be dropped from our time line to allow you to spend time with family or in prayer? What about attention and focus. Multi-tasking is a myth that only keeps us always tired and worn out. Or if we can find the energy to do all those things, we are left with anxiety and stress that rob our spirits from being able to do anything with anyone. How about possessions: do the things in your life possess you and keep you from enjoying them because you are always worried that something might happen to them? Or maybe there is something else in your life that you recognize clutters your soul and mind leaving you with no time or space for God and all the blessings God offers us.

This Lent, let go of what gets in the way of your walk with God and be open to beholding the presence of God. All this is so you can be more free to live the compassion, the freedom, and the joy-filled lives that God comes to bring.